Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Decade!

These days I have 20 minutes (if I am lucky) of free time a day so I don't have the time to write the post I want to write about the last decade. Instead, here is what I will tell you about my blog.

I want to redesign it this year. If anyone knows anyone who can do this on the cheap for me, let me know. Because with 20 minutes of free time, I don't know if this will happen without help.

I want to express thanks to those women bloggers out there who keep me connected to reality.

I want to check my spelling more often. God, it has been embarrassingly bad this year.

I want to find a way to have more time to write.

Happy New Year!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

She's Taking It To A Whole New Level

Bug has decided that she now wants to nap on me. It seems the swing has lost its magic. I didn't think her sleep could get worse. Oh, but it did. IT DID. This is VERY distrurbing. I may have lost my mind.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The Great Interview Experiment: All About Moi

Lynn at the Human, Being blog interviewed me for Neil's Great Interview Experiment. You can read the interview here. Or just read Lynn's Blog which is thoughtful, reflective, and inspirational.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

The Best of 2009 Blog Challenge

I am participating in Gwen Bell's The Best of 2009 Blog Challenge because it is fun. I am beginning here.

December 1 Trip. What was your best trip in 2009?

Our trip to Colorado, was by far, the best trip we took this year. And I am not just saying that because it was our ONLY trip this year. Well, maybe I am. But, the fact remains that we had a fabulous time in Denver. We met Uncle Ben's dog, Pike. Pike is a St. Bernard. He is the biggest dog in the whole world. We stayed at our friend's house. These are friends that we hadn't seen in years. We caught up like it was old times and that alone is a gift and a treasure and if nothing else fun had happened that would have made the trip. And we took Bug to the Denver Zoo. Her first trip to the ZOO! I couldn't remember the last time that I had been to the zoo because I am not a zoo person so I wasn't really too excited about the outing but, as it turns out, zoos are pretty great when you experience them with your child. When you see it through your child's eyes.

December 2 Restaurant moment. Share the best restaurant experience you had this year. Who was there? What made it amazing? What taste stands out in your mind?

This has not been a good year for me and restaurants. In order to keep nursing Bug, I pretty much had to give up my former foodie lifestyle and eat bland for most of the year. I have since reintroduced fish, shellfish, dairy, some soy, and eggs but I am still not eating wheat (though I am eating spelt) or nuts. One thing that kept me going all year was knowing that I would go out for my birthday and have Grimaldi's pizza. And I did. My mom watched Bug for four hours which is the longest that I have gotten away since she was born and Big D and I went to Scottsdale to hang out for the afternoon. We found a great tea shop and had a latte at a funky coffee shop. This was foreplay. Foreplay for pizza. And it was ORGASMIC. Real pizza. Thin crust, sweet tomato sauce, fresh mozzarella and basil. We ordered a large. We ate the whole thing. Ah, it almost brought tears to my eyes. It was heaven and I chased that heaven with a cannoli. Can you hear the angels sing?

Friday, December 18, 2009

The Great Interview Experiment

I participated in the Great Interview Experiment from Neil at

I interviewed Sincerely, Jenni

Here is a shining example of my mad interview skills....

Is there anything in your past that you regret or would go back and change if you could?
I wish more than anything that I would have stayed in college years ago. I only went for two semesters, and ended up dropping out because of some extenuating circumstances goin on in my life. Now that I am an adult, with 4 children, a husband, dogs, a cat, a house, a job, and the list goes on... I find going back to college much harder and much more time consuming! I racked up another years' worth of credits under my belt over the last couple years, but now have again taken a break from it. Maybe by the time I retire, I'll have my degree?

What would be your ideal last supper?
Since I love to eat, it would have to be a buffet! Steak, Kung Pao Shrimp, Shrimp Scampi, and Steak Fajitas would be a requirement. And Pepsi. Now look what you've done! I'm STARVING now!

Tell me someone you admire and why?
This will sound lame, but there are three people I admire most in my life. The first two are my parents, who are the most perfect examples of how it is to spend the rest of your life married to your best friend. They have known each other since high school, and have been married now for almost 38 years. They treat each other so well, and are completely devoted to each other. I try to emulate them in my own marriage, and often think of "What would Mom & Dad do?" in troubling situations.

The third person I admire most is my daughter, Caitlyn. She is 14 years old, and has the biggest heart of anyone I know. She is so very wise, and is a good friend to everyone. She has been a straight A student her whole life and is very intelligent. In addition to that, she excels at pretty much every sport and activity she gets involved in. I admire her strength, her knowledge, her dedication, and most of all, her heart.

What is at the top of your bucket list?
I want a honeymoon. When my husband and I got married, it was a second marriage for him. We had planned a big wedding since it would be my first, but I found out a few weeks into the planning process that I was pregnant. The ceremony and reception (and honeymoon) was cancelled, and we married a few weeks later at the county courthouse. It was a beautiful, quiet, romantic ceremony, but I never got my honeymoon.

Would you ever consider moving somewhere else? Where?
As much as I complain about Iowa winters and the hot humid summers, I can't say there is any place I would rather be. I have lived here my whole life, and I love the changing of the seasons. I enjoy having activities to do year-round, regardless of the weather. If we were forced to move, I maybe would opt to live somewhere warm-- Arizona, perhaps? I wouldn't mind giving up the winter snowstorms!

What is your proudest mothering moment? What is your least?
To be honest, every day is often filled with a little of both. My absolute proudest mothering moments come every time we have to go to school for parent/teacher conferences. My kids are doing excellent in school, have a lot of friends, and are involved in activities. They are well-rounded, clean-cut kids that just enjoy life. That makes me a very proud mom!

My least proudest moment... hmmm.. I suppose it would be the times my youngest daughter has to be home by herself. Not very often, and never for very long at a time, but being the drama queen that she is... she always makes the comment "Why can't you be a stay-home mom thats here when I get home from school every day?" *sigh* Way to make me feel like a bad mom, kiddo.

Are you satisfied with your life at present? What would you work on/change if you could?
I am very satisfied with my life. We have jobs, we have our bills paid, we have zero debt, and we are all healthy. I can't ask for anything more than that-- except that I'd like to be more organized. I let things get too cluttered up around the house and deal with it every few weeks in a massive cleaning out day, rather than avoid causing the clutter in the first place.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Yup, Another Sleep (Or Lack Thereof) Post

I am posting my comment to Clueless but Hopeful Mama's Post about the sleep differences between her kids and about what a difficult aspect something as seemingly simple as sleep is in the world that is motherhood because as you know if you read my blog, it is a subject that is nearer and dearer to my heart than even poop, pee, spit-up, or snot. And also because my comment was so damn long (sorry CBHM) that I figure I might as well just use it as a post cause I am lazy like that...

I think you should do whatever works for your family. What bugs me is that people think because my baby doesn't sleep well by herself, that I am doing something wrong rather than considering that every kid is different. I have tried EVERYTHING and CIO, especially the kind where you check in, makes my daughter so upset that she stops breathing and is in a state of panic and when I finally get her to sleep she cries ALL NIGHT in her sleep. It is horrible. I wish I could put her down and she would cry for a while and go to sleep but she just does not do that. I know it shouldn't bother me what other people think, but it does.

I've also tried the No Cry Sleep Solution which does the exact opposite for us than it is supposed to do. I think time will be our tincture in this case. And that sucks but it is just how it is.

I really do think that all kids are different when it comes to sleep. Which makes sense because all adults I know are different too. I had a boss who could sit under her desk and take a nap and another who needed ambien every night to sleep. My husband needs to listen to talk radio to fall asleep but then sleeps like a dead horse but I can fall asleep on a dime yet wake up easliy throughout the night. Why should babies be any different?

Monday, December 14, 2009

Woman in the Mucus

So humor me for a moment while I bore you with some Japanese New Wave Cinema references. See, I told you I went to film school once long, long ago. You didn't believe me, did you? Well, that's OK. It is sometimes hard for me to believe too now that I spend all day keeping a toddler from eating the dog food or choking on water bottle caps. But I did. And I happened to like the really boring esoteric stuff. I even made boring esoteric films. Yeah, I was one of those kind of art school nerds. But this is really getting off the subject.

I wanted to talk about what I've been thinking about a lot lately. The book/movie Woman in the Dunes. Have you read/seen it? Well, to Twittersynopsis it, it is about a woman who lives in these remote dunes and has to sweep the sand back every day all day to keep from being drowned in it. There is more to the story--an entomologist dude wondering the dunes finds her and hangs out there (or maybe she finds him? can't remember) and they fight and have sex. But that part isn't really what I am thinking about. I am thinking about the woman in the dunes sweeping up all day just to do it over again the next to keep from drowning in it. Lately, with Bug's seemingly constant colds, I consider myself The Woman in the Mucus. I carry a snot rag to wipe the slime away lest we drown in it. I keep a humidifier going. I boil water on the stove. I Little Noses her nostrils. I syringe out the goobers. Every day.

Motherhood is like that. Isn't it? You get to do the same things every single day. Some days are better than others. Some days you want to hide under the covers. Some days you zen out and do it. Some days you just love the routine and the surprises within the routine. Some days are tantrums and breakdowns. Other days are joy and breakthroughs. Or a little bit of everything. There is a basic routine each day and yet each day is so different from the next. It's the mothering paradox.

To use a more Western image, I suppose it would be to imagine Sisyphus happy. To imagine Sisyphus content as he rolls his boulder up the hill each and every day. In my current situation, it would be a large booger that I roll up the hill every day. Or maybe it is a giant ball of laundry? Or an enormous pile of dishes? What is yours? And can you imagine yourself happy? Or do you want to drop everything and run for the hills?

Saturday, December 12, 2009

The Stuff On My Mind

1.  I need to live in the same state as my husband but California is too fucking expensive and the rental properties in areas where you don't get shot at are shitty in our price range.

2. Bug is 15 months and still naps in her swing.  But her recent growth spurt is making it obvious that this is not going to work much longer and this makes me want to curl up in a fetal position and sob.

3.  I just can't seem to get these Christmas cards addressed and in the mail and it is really haunting me.

4. I want sleep really badly and want to cry every time I think about it. 

5.  Breastfeeding is getting old.

6.  Bug has ANOTHER COLD. 

7.  I want a beer.

8. I want to lose this last ten pounds but probably won't until after bfing ends.  Like in ten years or so.

9.  I turned 36 last week.  How the hell did that happen? 

10.  I need sleep.  Did I already say that? Yeah, I know, it is getting boring but it's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Potty Time

For the last few weeks Bug has been doing this squat move after taking her evening bath.  Sometimes, she'll squat and pee on the floor.  So today I bought her a potty.  I set it up in the bathroom and told her that it was for pee-pee.  She seemed VERY excited about it and kept climbing on and off of it exclaiming, "PEE PEE".  After her bath she ran over to it, sat down, and peed.  Clearly proud of herself we clapped together, "YAY, PEE PEE".  It was so cute.  I don't think we are exactly at potty training yet because she is only two days shy of 15 months old but I guess she is moving in that direction and by the looks of it will be potty trained long before she is weaned.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Out of the Mouths of Babes.

Ok, this one is for Existential Waitress, because she loves this story. 

The year is 1973.  The month, December.  I have just been born (Yes, that is right. I am that old).  My Dad takes my brother to see Santa because my mom is at home with me attached to her boob (seems Bug gets her boobaholicism from me).  The Santa event is at the local shopping center.  The one where all the uptight suburban moms take their kids.  The kids of these moms dociliy wait in single file line while their moms fidget with their "do's" and chit-chat about wallpaper.  Ah, the 70's.  Good Times. 

My dad does not fit in to this line.  Not at all.  My dad looks like a thug.  My dad is NOT a thug but he looks like one because he is an undercover federal agent and it is the 70's so his hair is a long curly wigged out mass of black hot mess and he has a looong beard accompanied by a moustache.  He wears dark shades, a pimped out leather jacket and badass boots.  So, the stick-up-their-butt moms are already obviously uncomfortable with this dude in their pristine line.  But my brother is excited.  He is about two and a half.  He loves trucks.  LOVES trucks.  And he is so excited to ask Santa for a fire engine.  He wants it, wants it bad.  So the line moves along and it is finally my brother's turn and he sits on Santa's lap and the conversation goes something like this:

Santa:  What do you want for Christmas?
Brother: A red fire engine.
Santa: Well, if you are a good boy, you might get one.
Brother: But I want it now!
Santa: Oh no, you have to wait until Christmas.
Brother:  FUCK OFF, Santa!!!

My father high-tailed it out of there, feeling the glares as he left like icey daggers in his back.  I don't think my dad ever did Santa duty again.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Some Things Are Better Left for Teddy Bears, Bunnies, and Dinosaurs

A while ago I wrote about trying to find a Plush Buddha for Bug.  This is the only one I have found.

Doesn't he look like a pedaphile or at the very least a pervy swinger?  Needless to say, we are sticking with our Buddha made of wood. 

I am, however, getting Bug a Barney doll for Christmas.  Say what you will about Barney. I have heard it all.  But frankly, I don't care.  Bug LOVES him and that is all that matters.  I am not buying it for me.  I am buying it for her. 

Friday, December 4, 2009

If It Weren't For the Dogs I'd Never Get a Vacation

I am admittedly a little annoyed that the only reason we are getting a vacation this winter is so that the dogs of the family can meet and play together.  I've given up on my pleas of needing my daughter and myself at the top of the list (above the canines) and I've decided that at least I will get to buy the Buggie lots and lots of winter clothes.  For those of you in cold climates, the idea of having to wrestle your child into a snowsuit probably makes you want to poke your eyes out or at the very least hide under the bed until the first signs of spring.  But having lived for years where it NEVER SNOWS, snow vacations are right up there on the fun list.  And the anticipation of getting to see Bug in these clothes is like waiting for Santa.  I am SOOOOO excited.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Pass Me a Hankie

There are decisions to be made, changes to come.  But I am putting them off.  I am taking out Christmas decorations and I am filling this space with joy.  I am packing away the question marks in the boxes and leaving them out in the garage for a while.  Christmas is coming.

The older I get, the mushier I get.  In fact, I am a full on CHEESEBALL.  I love this Christmas carol and I love me some Mary J. and this rendition brings tears to my eyes. 

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Hokey Pokey

These photos were taken this morning. How did my kid get so big? In the last photo, she is doing the Hokey Pokey, part of our morning routine lately.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Where It's At

Antibiotics make poop weird. Bug's poop has this weird candy/medicinal smell. It is runny, verging on diarrhea and is a little more frequent than usual. It has a darker slightly rusty red color to it. So yeah, this is TMI but it is what is on my mind these days. Today is the last day of 10 days on antibiotics and hopefully this ear infection has been killed. If I could kick and punch this infection and scream I HATE YOU at it I would. Bug has had two ear infections, two colds, and bronchiolitus in the last three months. It's sucky to say the least. I think she is on the mend. Excuse me while a pause to knock on wood. So now if these evil molars would just break through and leave us alone we would be all set and ready for Christmas.

Sunday, November 29, 2009


This scarf. Yet another reason to love cooler weather.

Saturday, November 28, 2009


So, I'm feeling a little down today. Feeling a little lonely. I think it is just post holiday weariness, gearing up for Christmas. I started putting up decorations today and that helped.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving

The relatives are coming,the relatives are coming...

Monday, November 23, 2009

Another Reason to Love Fall

The black turtleneck. I love love love my black turtleneck. Audrey Hepburn, tall and graceful, I am not. If I were an object, I'd be a teapot, short and stout. But in my black turtleneck, I feel all is well or swell or wonderful.

Check Spelling

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Seriously, No Joke

If I were to ever lose everything in the world that meant anything to me, I know exactly what I would do. I would become a vigilante and search out pedophiles and kill them. I would use every tactic I have learned on Forensic Files to locate them, stalk them, and kill them. I am not kidding, this is what I would do if I had nothing to lose.

Have you ever looked to see how many convicted pedophiles live amongst us? It is truly staggering. It makes me physically ill that someone could look at an innocent child and think about torturing them for their own sick pleasure and pathetic power. These people need to be extinguished. They need to be taken out of the gene pool. There is something wrong in their genetic code.

It boggles my mind that these sick pigs are let out of prison after minuscule sentences when all research shows that it is virtually impossible to rehabilitate a pedophile. If we were going to keep them in jail until they rot and die, then fine, I would not have to consider a life of crime. But our country is so horrifyingly ambivalent about crimes against children that it leads one to think that some alternative is needed. So, these are the options as I see it: keep these rodents locked up until death, let them out but cut of their penises, testicles, fingers, and pluck out their eyeballs, or find someone who is willing to killing them.
Of course, I have everything to live for so this is not an option for me at this point in my life but I really do wish people would start writing their officials for stiffer sentences for these evil animals.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Depression Era Fashion

I think style right now must be influenced by the crappy economy and the dour state of every one's mood. I mean this is fall. The time for sexy secretary. Heels. Pencil Skirts. Sharp fitted jackets. But what is popular now? Leggings. Long Sweaters. Boots without heels. Dresses with pockets. I mean, it is a mother's dream wardrobe. Stuff that a few years ago might put you on the worst dressed list.

I am in fashion heaven and hell. I really can't believe that these outfits are totally acceptable right now and yet, how lucky am I that these outfits are totally in right now?

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Quick Post Cause There is a Cranky 14 Month Old Pulling at My Pants

Bug got the H1N1 Vaccine yesterday. Needs a booster in a month.

I can handle baby poop and spit up until the cows come home but cleaning up big dog throw up makes me vomit in my mouth.

I have covered my floor in puppy pads, put up a gate, and taken away food and limited evening water and STILL found a chihuahua pee on the floor this morning.

Bug has major sleep issues and her breathing sounds funky when she sleeps. Is it chronic cold, allergies, tonsils, more of her reflux? Anyone have a guess? Cause the doctors seem clueless. And I just want some damn sleep!

Friday, November 13, 2009


Monday, November 9, 2009

Better Put

Go on Ahead

You go on ahead, honey
You have a good time there
You make me feel funny
I'm no ordinary lover or friend

I believe we have things to do
I believe in myself and I believe in you
I believe when I sleep you are near to me
When you sleep I am near to you

You walk out of the room with your hands so deep in your pockets, I don't
Recognize you
You say you're a ghost in our house and I realize I do think I see through you

You go on ahead, honey
You have a good time there
You make me feel funny
I'm no ordinary lover or friend

It's a death in our love that has brought us here
It's a birth that has changed our lives
It's a place that I hope we'll be leaving soon
And I fear for the year in his eyes

And it goes around in circles: one night is lovely, the next is brutal
And you and I are in way over our heads with this one, it's hard
To admit it, but you hold me and I can't feel you
We hurt but we smile
I promise I'll make it back when the summer has warmed me awhile

You go on ahead, honey
You have a good time there
You make me feel funny
I'm no ordinary lover or friend

I believe we have things to do
I believe in myself and I believe in you
I believe when I sleep you are near to me
When you sleep I am near to you

Liz Phair

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Credit (one more Halloween post)

Bug was the cutest ladybug in all the land. And most of that is due to the fact that Bug is the cutest babe in all the land. But a significant part of the cuteness came from the costume that I bought on Etsy from Tutu Twirls. I love Etsy. Even though I am not exactly crafty, I appreciate those who are and I think Tutu Twirls has the prettiest tutus and most complete outfits amongst the many on Etsy selling tutus. Even the tags are adorable.

Thanks, Tutu Twirls!

Friday, November 6, 2009

I Made This Bed

Many moons ago I gave up on the whole sleep training thing and decided that Bug and I would nurse and co-sleep for however long the arrangement worked. For the first few months of her life, Bug slept in a bassinet next to my bed. Her first month she would sleep a four to five hour stretch and then two two or three hour stretches and then up. This little routine began to degrade over her second month and by month three her night wakings were every 20-30 minutes. Needless to say, she began sleeping in my bed and it has been that way since. When we finally got her on the right reflux meds, she started sleeping in longer stretches--two hours. Woohoo!! It has been that way since. Every now and then she'll wow us with a three and rarely even a four hour stretch. Co-sleeping works for us because it diminishes stress and lets us all get some damn sleep.

Until this week. I am apparently severely allergic to the desert. I have started having these horrible coughing attacks which seem to come on just as I am nursing Bug down to sleep. Last night it was so bad that I had to put her down in her crib and leave the room and go downstairs and cough up my lungs. She screamed and screamed until I got back to her. I laid her down in my bed and nursed her back to sleep, sucking away on cough drops and praying to god to let me get her down to sleep before another coughing fit started. As soon as she was asleep, I ran downstairs and coughed my ass off again. Then I woke us both up at about 3:30 AM coughing. This seriously sucks.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

A Whole New Way to Procrastinate

I'd like to post but I am busy wasting time on the Dooce Community. Are cheese fries a bad lunch? Wait, I'll go ask the masses.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Getting Lost?

I love holidays. Now that Bug is one, I am even more excited about them, introducing her to tradition, seeing everything through her eyes. It is joy, plain and simple.

I wrote this post two years ago. When I wrote it I didn't know I was about to be pregnant in like a second. My world was about to change. Everything was about to bubble over with meaning. It is hard to believe two years have passed. In some ways, it is even harder to believe only two years have past since I was that person. You hear a lot about keeping yourself, not getting "lost" in motherhood. This seems to be the current trend of thought in mothering. But I feel differently about change and transformation. Motherhood is transforming me into a person I want to be, a person I am proud of. I haven't lost myself. I am finding out who I am.

Monday, November 2, 2009

The House of Phlegm and other Halloween Tales

Scary Halloween story--my house has been overtaken by mucus! Bug and I have been sick for about a week. We had to go to urgent care on Sunday morning. A cold and bronchiolitis for her and a cold and sinus infection for me but basically a whole lot of phlegm and not much sleep. We finally got some good meds and had more sleep last night than in weeks. Damn the naysayers, long live the Z-Pac!

In other Halloween tales, who is the cutest bug EVER?

She is, she is!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

What I Know

Yesterday was a sad day. Yesterday I fought with Big D yet again. My parents had to put their dog down yesterday. Yesterday, Bugs's teeth were killing her and she had a stuffy nose and was grouchy. Yesterday we couldn't go outside to play because the winds were gusting so badly that the air was filled with dust and burned our eyes. Yesterday was not a good day.

I am sad for my parents and my sister and her husband. They loved that dog and he filled some sort of hole they have. Have I mentioned that my parents have this deep dark hole in their home? It has always been there. We picked it up and packed it and carried it with us from home to home in our billion moves we made when I was a kid. It came with us everywhere. We had to remember to walk around it, sometimes tip-toeing on it's slippery edge, every now and then sliding in. Sometimes, we'd reach up for help or scream in panic, "Hey, I was just sitting here with my lonely self watching TV, eating ice cream and somehow I got swallowed up in this damn dark hole. Help! I want out! Get me the hell out of here." Other times, we'd wallow in it's darkness. We snuggled into it's familiarity. Years have been spent in that damn hole. It takes up a lot of square footage, it does.

So pets, pets help. Pets keep them out of the hole. They drag them out. I felt a little bad that I was more relieved for the dog than sad because he was old and in pain and seemed like he had already died but didn't know how to pass. It was time. I feel sad for my family but I am happy for the dog. I think the winds picked up yesterday afternoon to gust him into doggie heaven.

Yesterday evening, my mom came back to my house with me after dinner to help me give Bug a bath. Her eyes puffy and red from crying all day, she said to me, her voice breaking, that "time just goes so fast, 15 years just gone". So there it is, the hole. The time passing. Death smacks us with life's shortness.

I keep thinking about that. I think about how we have no idea when death is coming. But when it comes, I know one thing for certain, there may be regrets in my life, staying too long at an unfulfilling job, worthless arguments, giving too much of myself without getting much in return, giving up to easily sometimes. But I know with absolute certainty that I won't regret being here with my daughter. Being here full time. All day every day. It is the best decision I have ever made and when the next 15 years pass she will be a teenager, getting close to going off to college. I will be so thankful that the person I am now made the difficult decision to stay home and be with her. When I am old and looking back over my life, the jobs, the finances, all that stuff will wash away and all I will have is the memory of my daughter's beautiful little face, her eyes looking to me. I will never regret letting myself be her world these first few years of life. That I know for certain.

Monday, October 26, 2009


That's how I felt, crushed I was. I was in love. Heaven fell down on me and I was broken into billions of fragments of my former self. Love fell on me, heavy and strong and I was crushed. When I look at this photo I lose my breath. I can feel her tinyness curled up against me as if trying to get back in my tummy and remember me wishing I could put her back inside me and keep her safe forever.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Some Things That Annoy Me

When the dog pees on the carpet alongside the puppy pad instead of ON the puppy pad. Is DUMBASS too strong?

Carpet. Never had these pee problems with wood floors.

When I put the laundry in the dryer and forget to turn the dryer on then go to the dryer to pull out the dry clothes only to find them still wet. I do this more than I care to admit.

Shitty dishwashers. I have to clean them before I put them in and then rinse them after I take them out. So this dishwasher is nothing more than a dish storage unit.

People who don't stay at home when sick. This pisses me off more than it annoys me, actually.

When I go grocery shopping and everything I need is not on the shelf. Is this the former soviet union? Stock your damn shelves.

When my computer freezes.

Things that fall apart right after you buy them.

wow, I could go on and on...

Monday, October 19, 2009

Looks Like Autumn

Hell may be a Pumpkin Patch cause that's how hot it was yesterday. Looks like fall but looks can be deceiving because it felt like the middle of summer or more accurately like we stuffed our heads inside a 500 degree oven in a kitchen of a house on fire.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

The Confessional

1) I confess that I am a confirmed Catholic. Not much else to say about it other than yeah, I'm Catholic. So NOT a practicing Catholic but once you are confirmed you pretty much are for life.

2) I became a member of All Saints Church in Pasadena before Bug was born. This would probably surprise most people who know me because I don't really come off as the RELIGIOUS type. But I LOVE this church and it's mission. I love that it is inclusive and beautiful. It has just enough structure in its Episcopal service to not freak me out. Because the free form Christian churches that seem to have no structure to the service and may even ask a visitor to stand up in front of the congregation FREAK ME OUT. I like a church where you can be as anonymous as you want to be. But most of all I love how it is so liberal in it's mission. Even if you are an atheist you can love this church. And I am not kidding about that.

3) I stole a case of water from Super Target yesterday. I really needed to get that of my chest. I didn't mean to steal it. I was just rushing to get to the next store before Bug got grumpy for her afternoon nap. It had been on the bottom of the cart when I went through the line and I didn't notice and the checker didn't notice. I didn't notice until I got out to the car and went to put it in the back and realized that I am about 99% sure that I don't remember the cashier ringing it up. Whoops. Maybe I should have gone back in. But on the other hand, hell no. Did I mention that it is back up to 100 degrees here? And once out of the store and almost in the car there is NO WAY IN HELL that I was going back in the store. I suppose I could pay for it next time? Because we all know there will be a next time. I mean, it's Target. Don't we all sorta live there? To that end, I have to admit that I don't feel all that bad about it. A little guilty maybe (see confession #1. Guilt comes with the territory) but not really that bad.

4) I feel a twinge of happiness when I read other people having sleep issues with their kids. I also kind of like knowing that other people have had tough birth experiences. Or PPD. Or acne. Or even bad hair days. I hate to think of myself as a MISERY LOVES COMPANY kind a gal. But maybe I am? I think it has more to do with the fact that sometimes other people seem soo perfect. Their kids seem perfect. Their homes seem perfect. Their finances seem perfect. Their relationships seem perfect. Their lives SEEM PERFECT. So it is a bit of a comfort to me to know that even seemingly perfect people go through shit too. Does that make me a shitty person? Maybe. But I most definitely am NOT perfect. I do feel a little guilty about this because well, let me once again refer you to confession #1.

So, that's all my confessing for now. I feel better. Now I'll go say the rosary.

Anything you need to confess?

Thursday, October 15, 2009

James and the Giant Peach

The balloon boy's parents are disgusting FREAKS. However the scandal unfolds, the parents are culpable and I hope the state makes them pay one way or another.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Don't Eat Me

The dogs are outside. Not by choice. By choice, they would be inside barking at the door. Outside, they are whining and crying to get back in. But it is nice out. I have put water and food out. And well, I just want them to stay out today. I don't even feel bad about it at all.

And yes, my window is that dirty. It's big dog slobber. Gross.

They are not coming inside until well after the baby is up from her nap. Mateo can cry. My will is strong today. Even if Josie gives me that face that looks like she wants to eat me.

Did I mention the poor baby is teething? Not just teething. She is getting four regular teeth and four Molars! She is miserable. And she had to get her flu shot booster. Cause babies have to get two flu shots just for fun. Yes, if there is a god, he hates babies. And probably mamas too.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Cold Turkey

I went off the meds. Not really by choice but the scrip ran out and it was from my last OBGYN so I couldn't call and get it refilled with ease. So I'm off the junk. Actually, Zoloft was not junk. It was wonderful stuff. It took the edge off. It helped peel away the dark edges and let the light it. But I think it is time to see what life is like without it so even though I found out after going off of it that cold turkey isn't advisable, I am feeling good about giving it a whirl. I am now very familiar with the dark waves. I could spot them well beyond the horizon. Well before they take on height and depth. Well before they crash and I begin to choke on their relentless darkness. Well before I drown.

update: Holy shit, I'm dizzy.

Monday, October 5, 2009

The Good Part

Here in the desert there comes a day every year when the air snaps. The unbearable unbreathable air snaps. The heat snaps. Cooler air breezes in. Fall arrives in a moment here. It happens every year. Yet somewhere in the middle of September when the temps are still easily over 100 degrees, maybe even over 110 (Though who is counting after 100? At that point HOT is just HOT.) you think you might go stir crazy or just CRAZY, period, end of story. Because you are STUCK inside from house to car to store and back. You can see outside. You can see the lifeless playgrounds and the grassy fields. But you are TRAPPED inside with the money sucking invention that makes this whole desert living experiment even possible, the A/C. But then that day comes and it all changes and everyone runs outside to PLAY and you remember that there is BEAUTY living here in the desert. It is like the first day of spring.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Magic Boobs

Nola had her first ride in an airplane a couple weeks ago when we went to Colorado to visit family and friends. Now, Nola is the baby who does not like to sit still. She hates her car seat, her highchair, and will only sometimes tolerate the stroller. To say I was concerned about how she would handle the confinement of the airplane is an understatement. I did have a plan. I was going to try to nurse her to sleep when the plane started to take off. Well, we boarded the plane and Nola was very excited. She became the self appointed welcoming committee, saying hi to every passenger boarding. It was really cute but filled me with trepidation that she would be spending the rest of the flight walking up and down the aisle saying hi the entire flight. But I stayed calm let her play while the flight prepared for take-off and then pulled her to the boob at takeoff and yes, she fell asleep. She woke up a few times but latched on and nursed back to sleep. We did the same routine on the flight home. And it worked like a charm. It is times like these that I am glad I am still nursing. I felt triumphant like my boobs had magical mystical powers.

I keep this in mind when I am wishing my boobaholic daughter would enter rehab and come out a reformed milk drinker.

Monday, September 28, 2009

On the Positive Side

Things I Like About Living Here...

1. Nola sees her Grammy (and Grandpa and Auntie and Uncle) nearly every day.
2. The sky
3. The saguaro cactus
4. The farms
5. Horses
6. Easy traffic
7. Quiet neighborhood
8. No tagging

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Shlump a Dump

That's how I feel. Shlumpy. And dumpy. And it doesn't help that I spent the weekend with tall thin people who know how to put outfits together. I am really not liking the way my body is right now. My hair? Eh, not so much. My skin has suddenly started breaking out like crazy. A 35 year old pizza face is not cool. I don't know what to wear. I am just kinda sucking right now.

Friday, September 11, 2009

A Year Of Firsts

She's ONE!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009


I've been tagged by Existential Waitress to do a picture tag! Here it goes:Simple Rules:-Open your first photo folder (I took this to mean oldest digital pictures folder).-Scroll down to the 10th photo.-Post that photo and story on your blog.-Tag five others (or more) friends to do the same.

This has taken me a while. But I did it. And that is what counts. Right? Right. This was difficult because with all the computer hopping I have done in recent years, I don't really have any digital photo files. Really, I can't believe I used to be an editor and entrusted to teach kids how to use hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of computer equipment. It really boggles the mind. Anyway, I was kind of at a loss and then one day Nola decided to throw all the CD's out of our CD tower and VOILA! I found a disc of photos. I had no idea what was on it but when I opened it I found it held some of the files from the trip that Dylan and I took to New Orleans for our fifth anniversary.

We stayed at the Soniat House which is a magically scrumptious boutique hotel at a quiet edge of the French Quarter. The photo above is from the courtyard entrance. Don't you want to go and spend the afternoon in that lusciousness? I do.

We were having a really great time even though we look kind of worn out. Dylan always grows a beard on a vaca--a little annoying when you are trying to get a decent pic. And the humidity does wonders for my skin and hair. But aside from our rather scraggliness it was a 10 as far as quick trips go.

This year we will celebrate our 10 year anniversary. It is hard to believe that 5 years have past and so much has changed i.e. Nola. By the way, when we were considering Nola for her name, the fact that NOLA is an acronym for New Orleans, Louisiana, put it over the top for us because that is how much we loved it there.

So here are the tagged. I have a hard time asking people to do things like this. This is a trait that comes from my father. He never wants to an impose an invitation on anyone and always assumes everyone else is busy. That said, I am tagging people who probably won't do it but if they do it will be interesting and well-written. And I am including Existential Waitress because isn't that what you do with a tag?

Les Confessions Doux-Amers de une Trentaine

A Brief History of The Rise And Fall Of Ten Minutes Ago

Noir Bettie

Purly Victorious

Existential Waitress

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

A Few Things I Don't Miss

Traffic--People here talk about the rush hour. I nod. But in my head I am laughing, oh you silly children, you don't know traffic. In Los Angeles, rush hour lasts all day. Around 11:15 AM, you can usually get through town with relative ease after the morning rush, but within a half hour, the afternoon rush starts and melds into the evening rush. From about 11:00 PM to 4:00 AM it is usually smooth sailing, but even then you can find yourself in some unexplainable gridlock. I commuted in this for years. And it aged me.

Smog--I don't need to explain this one. The smog in Los Angeles is infamous. There is a line in this song, one of my favorite songs about Los Angeles, that I think of every time I think of the smog. It varies from season to season. It makes me laugh because it is such a realistic conversation that might be had in the city.

--The idiotic signs and symbols that little thugs scrawl all over the fucking place. Every goddamn street sign, wall, curb, overhang, tree, in Los Angeles has some stupid little scribble on it. It is so stupid. I don't even mind graffiti. Graffiti, with it's colors and swirls, it's cartoon-like representations and it's text, can be beautiful and exemplify urban art. But tagging is just hideous. I really, really hate it. Have I made that clear?

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

I Didn't Know I Was...

No, I am not pregnant. But do you watch that show on TLC, I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant? I mean, there are actually enough women that this has happened to that there is plenty material for a whole show. And it's not, I didn't know I was pregnant until I was five months along, or I didn't know I was pregnant until I started puking three times a day at work and needing to pee constantly. No, these stories are about real women who don't know they are pregnant until they are in labor. Let me clarify that. Actually, they go into labor but still don't know they are pregnant. They go to the hospital because they think they are dying where the doctors ask if they could be pregnant, and these dilated contracting women protest, "no, no that's impossible" but no no it is not impossible these women are pregnant and within in minutes, give birth. Sometimes they don't even make it to the hospital. After incredible pain, they feel the need to push out a giant poop so they go to the toilet sit down and push and out it comes. Except wait, that is not a poop it's a BABY! OH HOLY HELL!

And a lot of the women seem totally normal. OK, quite a few seem like drunken skanky dumbasses or really really obese women with a host of medical problems which keep them from having normal periods. But many of them seem just like ordinary overworked moms who contribute all their symptoms, back pain, exhaustion, etc., to the stresses of their lives. After watching the show I have this intense urge to run out to the pharmacy and buy up a bunch of pee sticks. But I am a rational person and so I resist the urge. There is no way I am pregnant. Or could I be? Due to breastfeeding, I haven't had a period in closing in on two years. Would I know the difference between exhaustion from lack of sleep and chasing after superbaby all day and pregnancy exhaustion? Would I contribute morning sickness to not paying attention to my diet? Could I be so out of touch with my body that I miss the signs that there is another human being living inside me? I hope not. I like to think that I know myself and my body well and that I wouldn't have ignored myself so much that I overlook something as momentous as pregnancy. But who knows. Who am I to judge? I guess it could happen. Anything is possible. But seriously, I am so NOT pregnant.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

My Daughter, Rock Thrower

If rock throwing was an Olympic sport, Nola would win the Gold.

She would.

She's a champion.

Monday, August 17, 2009

What Happened to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness?

There is no pretty or poetic way to put this. Our finances suck. We are teetering on the edge of a financial abyss and we are not sure where the bottom is. And it SUCKS. Is it my fault because I "chose" to stay home with Nola? And I put "choose" in parenthesis because it wasn't really a choice as much as a necessity and the right thing for all of us but most importantly, the right thing for Nola. The fact is, I don't think I am to blame or should be blamed or should feel guilty (even though guilt certainly creeps into my head and heart often) because I know I made the right decision to stay at home with my child. She is happy and healthy and thriving and I don't think she would be the same child if she was away from me twelve hours a day and often more than that. My job was so far away from home. I just couldn't be that far from her. To me, it would have been irresponsible and cruel.

But I can't help being angry. We were the couple that did all the right things. I worked a job that wasn't "me" but it was stable and provided over half our income. We invested wisely. Paid our monumental student loans on time. Paid off credit card debt. Waited to have kids. Where did it get us? If I have any regrets, it is wasting all that time doing "the right things" when it didn't matter anyway. I wasted so many years in a job that took a little of my soul every day and driving a commute that I am pretty certain took years off my life. And all for naught. It is so demoralizing.

That said, I don't think I would change anything. Our successes and failures, our decisions good and bad, led us to Nola.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The Degradation of Conversation

A few statements that have come out of my mouth today.

Get out of her butt. --Said to the chihuahua Mateo who had his nose all up in Josie's (the mutt) business.

No, we don't eat dog food. --Said to Nola who has developed a fascination with the dog bowls. Hence, the next statement--

No, don't put your hand in there. It's yucky. --Said to Nola when she stuck her hand in the dog's water bowl.

Shoes don't go in the toilet. They go on your feet. --Said to Nola when she threw her shoe (fortunately an old shoe that no longer fits) into the toilet BEFORE I flushed it.

So, that is a snippet of my glamorous life.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Some More Los Angeles That I Miss

Hollywood Bowl
LA Opera
Walt Disney Concert Hall - LA Phil
All Saints Church

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Object Permanence Sucks

Nola has always been a little ahead of the curve, but the terrible two's at 10 months? Nola wants everything she sees and when/if she doesn't get it she has begun screaming following by whining to full on crying approaching TANTRUM status--falling to the ground, fists clenched, arms flailing.

And her memory is sharp. Distraction? Not for Nola. I had a Buddha statue atop my dresser. He is made of wood, heavy and holding a bowl with a sharp non baby friendly edge. When she noticed it a couple months ago, she began her "eh eh" hand waving in its direction. Buddha? You want Buddha? And I brought it down for her and showed her how to rub his wonderfully fat belly though she preferred to rub his head. From then on, it was "Ba Ba" when she saw him. Then she hit her head on his hard wooden head while trying to give him a kiss and got an wicked bruise on her forehead so it was bye bye Buddha. But she still knows that he is supposed to be there perched atop my dresser.

Yup, object permanence sucks. The Wet Ones wrapper I left on the table? She wants it. My cup of coffee? She wants it. The junk mail? She wants it. And won't forget about it. This has left me in a parenting quandary between safety and satisfaction. If I am watching would it be so bad for her to play around with the nursing pads? I mean, I know it says choking hazard and YOUR CHILD WILL DIE IF SHE TOUCHES THIS BOX right there on the package. But seriously, I AM RIGHT THERE WITH HER. And it satisfies her for the moment and so what? Am I screwing myself? Probably.

By the way, I am in the market for a more baby-friendly Buddha. Any thoughts?

Friday, July 24, 2009

When to Wean

If it were up to me, I'd choose 12 months. That's right. Nola would blow out her one year old birthday candle, eat a piece of gooey happiness from her ladybug birthday cake, and then swig down her first glass of whole organic milk and decide boobs were for babies--and you know how Nola hates being a baby.

But breastfeeding isn't just about food. It is a relationship and like any other it has its ups and downs. Nola and I started our breastfeeding relationship in the delivery room when she latched on like a pro and nursed until she fell asleep. It was a blissful beginning followed by a lot of drama. There was the thrush misdiagnosis which caused a full month of utter hell. There was also my oversupply issues followed by suspected food allergies which led me to eating a diet free of all eight common allergic foods.

And I am ready to eat cheese again. I had a dream a few nights ago that I was using a huge hunk of cheddar cheese as an edible utensil, dipping it into various food items and scarfing it down. I know, in the light of day this is vomit inducing but in the dream (and for a few seconds after I woke up) it was pure dairy heaven.

But breastfeeding is also about comfort and love and connection. It is also the easiest baby calmer tool given to mothers. Baby bumped her head? Whip out the boob. Baby not feeling good? Whip out the boob. Baby need to sleep? Yup, that's right, whip out the boob. Would I even know how to parent without breastfeeding? Could I comfort her in other ways? Is she ready for that? This is a relationship and two people are involved so even though I am beyond ready to have my body back to myself, I don't know when Nola will be.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Back in the Saddle

So, writing a blog has been a little tricky lately, being computerless and all. Yes, one of the many byproducts of quitting my job was having to give back the mac laptop. But I have a new computer now! Actually it is my husband's old computer and he got another computer from his boss. No, it is not a mac. But it was free and beggars really can't be choosers.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

In Awe

A few weeks ago I developed the photos from one of the two cameras we have. Over 400 photos of Nola. My beautiful baby girl. The photos of her just born. The one my mom snapped of her that she wasn't supposed to. I am so glad she did. Just born. Brand new. And yet she was already there. Why should I be surprised by her activity level? By the fact that she never stops moving? She would shift inside my belly all day long. My belly noticeably taking on strange shapes and curves throughout the day. She was having fun. She was swimming and playing and moving at will. Her inability to move after birth surprised and frustrated her. Nursing was her only comfort in this world. She still LOVES to nurse. And she is now WALKING. My not even ten month old baby is walking. I am so happy for her. She has wanted to walk since she was born and now her muscles are finally capable of carrying her through this world. I am so happy and so sad. And so proud. And most of all, humbled by the experience of motherhood. By the experience of being Nola's mother.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

A Few Things I Miss About Los Angeles

The Getty Center
Venice Beach
Veggie Burger at The Counter
Eagle Rock
The York

Saturday, June 6, 2009

In the Clear for Now

The results came back normal. I have a huge nasty oozing wound in my butt cheek but it is a cancer free nasty oozing wound!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Where The Sun Don't Shine

Back in November, I went to the doctor because I was still having issues down under from giving birth. During the examination she noticed a couple of freckles on my inner butt cheek and referred me to a dermatologist. Well, between Nola's tummy issues and the move, it took me until this week to get to the doctor. After seeing it, she scheduled me for a biopsy. Am I a little worried about this suspicious freckle? Me? Worry? Um, yeah. In fact, FREAKED OUT is more like it. But I have to wait two weeks to get the biopsy and another week for the results so I am trying not to fixate on it.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Closer to a Year Than Just Born

Nola is eight months old tomorrow. She is constant motion. I thought her goal was to walk. I am wrong. Her goal is to run. She is a giggling, screaming, crawling, babbling, standing, peek-a-boo playing ball of energy. She is so busy. She is consumed with life. She is everything bright and beautiful. She is my favorite person. My brother-in-law hypothesized that as soon as she learns to run she'll realize that what she really wants to do is fly. I think he may be right.