Wednesday, October 28, 2009

What I Know

Yesterday was a sad day. Yesterday I fought with Big D yet again. My parents had to put their dog down yesterday. Yesterday, Bugs's teeth were killing her and she had a stuffy nose and was grouchy. Yesterday we couldn't go outside to play because the winds were gusting so badly that the air was filled with dust and burned our eyes. Yesterday was not a good day.

I am sad for my parents and my sister and her husband. They loved that dog and he filled some sort of hole they have. Have I mentioned that my parents have this deep dark hole in their home? It has always been there. We picked it up and packed it and carried it with us from home to home in our billion moves we made when I was a kid. It came with us everywhere. We had to remember to walk around it, sometimes tip-toeing on it's slippery edge, every now and then sliding in. Sometimes, we'd reach up for help or scream in panic, "Hey, I was just sitting here with my lonely self watching TV, eating ice cream and somehow I got swallowed up in this damn dark hole. Help! I want out! Get me the hell out of here." Other times, we'd wallow in it's darkness. We snuggled into it's familiarity. Years have been spent in that damn hole. It takes up a lot of square footage, it does.

So pets, pets help. Pets keep them out of the hole. They drag them out. I felt a little bad that I was more relieved for the dog than sad because he was old and in pain and seemed like he had already died but didn't know how to pass. It was time. I feel sad for my family but I am happy for the dog. I think the winds picked up yesterday afternoon to gust him into doggie heaven.

Yesterday evening, my mom came back to my house with me after dinner to help me give Bug a bath. Her eyes puffy and red from crying all day, she said to me, her voice breaking, that "time just goes so fast, 15 years just gone". So there it is, the hole. The time passing. Death smacks us with life's shortness.

I keep thinking about that. I think about how we have no idea when death is coming. But when it comes, I know one thing for certain, there may be regrets in my life, staying too long at an unfulfilling job, worthless arguments, giving too much of myself without getting much in return, giving up to easily sometimes. But I know with absolute certainty that I won't regret being here with my daughter. Being here full time. All day every day. It is the best decision I have ever made and when the next 15 years pass she will be a teenager, getting close to going off to college. I will be so thankful that the person I am now made the difficult decision to stay home and be with her. When I am old and looking back over my life, the jobs, the finances, all that stuff will wash away and all I will have is the memory of my daughter's beautiful little face, her eyes looking to me. I will never regret letting myself be her world these first few years of life. That I know for certain.

Monday, October 26, 2009


That's how I felt, crushed I was. I was in love. Heaven fell down on me and I was broken into billions of fragments of my former self. Love fell on me, heavy and strong and I was crushed. When I look at this photo I lose my breath. I can feel her tinyness curled up against me as if trying to get back in my tummy and remember me wishing I could put her back inside me and keep her safe forever.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Some Things That Annoy Me

When the dog pees on the carpet alongside the puppy pad instead of ON the puppy pad. Is DUMBASS too strong?

Carpet. Never had these pee problems with wood floors.

When I put the laundry in the dryer and forget to turn the dryer on then go to the dryer to pull out the dry clothes only to find them still wet. I do this more than I care to admit.

Shitty dishwashers. I have to clean them before I put them in and then rinse them after I take them out. So this dishwasher is nothing more than a dish storage unit.

People who don't stay at home when sick. This pisses me off more than it annoys me, actually.

When I go grocery shopping and everything I need is not on the shelf. Is this the former soviet union? Stock your damn shelves.

When my computer freezes.

Things that fall apart right after you buy them.

wow, I could go on and on...

Monday, October 19, 2009

Looks Like Autumn

Hell may be a Pumpkin Patch cause that's how hot it was yesterday. Looks like fall but looks can be deceiving because it felt like the middle of summer or more accurately like we stuffed our heads inside a 500 degree oven in a kitchen of a house on fire.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

The Confessional

1) I confess that I am a confirmed Catholic. Not much else to say about it other than yeah, I'm Catholic. So NOT a practicing Catholic but once you are confirmed you pretty much are for life.

2) I became a member of All Saints Church in Pasadena before Bug was born. This would probably surprise most people who know me because I don't really come off as the RELIGIOUS type. But I LOVE this church and it's mission. I love that it is inclusive and beautiful. It has just enough structure in its Episcopal service to not freak me out. Because the free form Christian churches that seem to have no structure to the service and may even ask a visitor to stand up in front of the congregation FREAK ME OUT. I like a church where you can be as anonymous as you want to be. But most of all I love how it is so liberal in it's mission. Even if you are an atheist you can love this church. And I am not kidding about that.

3) I stole a case of water from Super Target yesterday. I really needed to get that of my chest. I didn't mean to steal it. I was just rushing to get to the next store before Bug got grumpy for her afternoon nap. It had been on the bottom of the cart when I went through the line and I didn't notice and the checker didn't notice. I didn't notice until I got out to the car and went to put it in the back and realized that I am about 99% sure that I don't remember the cashier ringing it up. Whoops. Maybe I should have gone back in. But on the other hand, hell no. Did I mention that it is back up to 100 degrees here? And once out of the store and almost in the car there is NO WAY IN HELL that I was going back in the store. I suppose I could pay for it next time? Because we all know there will be a next time. I mean, it's Target. Don't we all sorta live there? To that end, I have to admit that I don't feel all that bad about it. A little guilty maybe (see confession #1. Guilt comes with the territory) but not really that bad.

4) I feel a twinge of happiness when I read other people having sleep issues with their kids. I also kind of like knowing that other people have had tough birth experiences. Or PPD. Or acne. Or even bad hair days. I hate to think of myself as a MISERY LOVES COMPANY kind a gal. But maybe I am? I think it has more to do with the fact that sometimes other people seem soo perfect. Their kids seem perfect. Their homes seem perfect. Their finances seem perfect. Their relationships seem perfect. Their lives SEEM PERFECT. So it is a bit of a comfort to me to know that even seemingly perfect people go through shit too. Does that make me a shitty person? Maybe. But I most definitely am NOT perfect. I do feel a little guilty about this because well, let me once again refer you to confession #1.

So, that's all my confessing for now. I feel better. Now I'll go say the rosary.

Anything you need to confess?

Thursday, October 15, 2009

James and the Giant Peach

The balloon boy's parents are disgusting FREAKS. However the scandal unfolds, the parents are culpable and I hope the state makes them pay one way or another.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Don't Eat Me

The dogs are outside. Not by choice. By choice, they would be inside barking at the door. Outside, they are whining and crying to get back in. But it is nice out. I have put water and food out. And well, I just want them to stay out today. I don't even feel bad about it at all.

And yes, my window is that dirty. It's big dog slobber. Gross.

They are not coming inside until well after the baby is up from her nap. Mateo can cry. My will is strong today. Even if Josie gives me that face that looks like she wants to eat me.

Did I mention the poor baby is teething? Not just teething. She is getting four regular teeth and four Molars! She is miserable. And she had to get her flu shot booster. Cause babies have to get two flu shots just for fun. Yes, if there is a god, he hates babies. And probably mamas too.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Cold Turkey

I went off the meds. Not really by choice but the scrip ran out and it was from my last OBGYN so I couldn't call and get it refilled with ease. So I'm off the junk. Actually, Zoloft was not junk. It was wonderful stuff. It took the edge off. It helped peel away the dark edges and let the light it. But I think it is time to see what life is like without it so even though I found out after going off of it that cold turkey isn't advisable, I am feeling good about giving it a whirl. I am now very familiar with the dark waves. I could spot them well beyond the horizon. Well before they take on height and depth. Well before they crash and I begin to choke on their relentless darkness. Well before I drown.

update: Holy shit, I'm dizzy.

Monday, October 5, 2009

The Good Part

Here in the desert there comes a day every year when the air snaps. The unbearable unbreathable air snaps. The heat snaps. Cooler air breezes in. Fall arrives in a moment here. It happens every year. Yet somewhere in the middle of September when the temps are still easily over 100 degrees, maybe even over 110 (Though who is counting after 100? At that point HOT is just HOT.) you think you might go stir crazy or just CRAZY, period, end of story. Because you are STUCK inside from house to car to store and back. You can see outside. You can see the lifeless playgrounds and the grassy fields. But you are TRAPPED inside with the money sucking invention that makes this whole desert living experiment even possible, the A/C. But then that day comes and it all changes and everyone runs outside to PLAY and you remember that there is BEAUTY living here in the desert. It is like the first day of spring.