What Happened to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness?

There is no pretty or poetic way to put this. Our finances suck. We are teetering on the edge of a financial abyss and we are not sure where the bottom is. And it SUCKS. Is it my fault because I "chose" to stay home with Nola? And I put "choose" in parenthesis because it wasn't really a choice as much as a necessity and the right thing for all of us but most importantly, the right thing for Nola. The fact is, I don't think I am to blame or should be blamed or should feel guilty (even though guilt certainly creeps into my head and heart often) because I know I made the right decision to stay at home with my child. She is happy and healthy and thriving and I don't think she would be the same child if she was away from me twelve hours a day and often more than that. My job was so far away from home. I just couldn't be that far from her. To me, it would have been irresponsible and cruel.



But I can't help being angry. We were the couple that did all the right things. I worked a job that wasn't "me" but it was stable and provided over half our income. We invested wisely. Paid our monumental student loans on time. Paid off credit card debt. Waited to have kids. Where did it get us? If I have any regrets, it is wasting all that time doing "the right things" when it didn't matter anyway. I wasted so many years in a job that took a little of my soul every day and driving a commute that I am pretty certain took years off my life. And all for naught. It is so demoralizing.

That said, I don't think I would change anything. Our successes and failures, our decisions good and bad, led us to Nola.

absent

It has been so long since I have blogged. This is primarily because I have a very active almost six month old who never sleeps. It is also because so much is going on I don't know where to begin.

Here is a little tidbit though---Nola Jane is getting her first tooth!

Also, I quit my job.

movietime

Half-Life has been such a long journey for everyone closely involved in it's making. When Big D sent out the RSVP to the LA premiere of the movie at LAFF, I was surprised by how many family members decided to come into town to see the movie. They have heard us talking about it for years and followed the ups and downs and ups and downs and ups and downs and ups of making the little indie film that could along with us. It is really cool to have both sides of our family show up this week to support Big D, the film, and ultimately our vision for how we want to live our lives--as creative people who are not afraid to take risks and to share our successes and failures with friends and family. Ultimately, it's the connections with the people in our lives that create the meaning behind the work.

The Luxury of Time

This is my last weekday of freedom before returning back to the the cave. One of the greatest aspects of the luxury of time is to be able to make and eat lunch at home. I love to step into the kitchen to eat when my body wants to eat not at 12:00 PM or as is most typical when I can step away for 5 minutes to pop something from the lean cuisine line of tastes almost like food products into the microwave and then scurry with it in hand back to my hallway excuse for an office. At home, I use fresh ingredients and eat what sounds good to me on a particular day not what I happen to have left in the office fridge. Yesterday I made a Greek salad and nearly cried. What happened to civilized living? This morning I woke up and felt human again and it only took two weeks to return to my species.


Cucumber
Tomato
Kalamata Olives
Red Onion
Feta Cheese (get the real stuff)
Red Wine Vinegar
Olive Oil
Salt & Pepper

All ingredients chopped and seasoned to preference

Revelations and Resolutions

There are a few self-realizations that have crystallized for me over the last year. Some of these come from the blogosphere, filled with wise souls and silly personality quizzes. Others I have figured out through talks with friends and one sage. Still others resonate with me like a mantra on my hour-half commute. My life has become one monstrous carbon footprint driving down Alvarado to Washington then scooting down Venice through Palms to the edge of Santa Monica then home on the 10 to the 110 to the 101 through Echo Park and over Baxter to Allesandro then back on the 2 to Verdugo. This life is punctuated by lack of daylight inside my accidental career cave and then off to sleep in my neglected bedroom. The floor of the hostel in Istanbul had more charm and warmth than my bedroom. How could I even think I could wrestle contentment out of this?

1) Kindness begins with one's self.
2) I spend most of my time preventing failure rather than succeeding.
3) I don't trust others.
4) I prefer sleeping to being awake on most days.
5) I need to not keep doing what I am doing even if it creates some financial difficulties.

no title

I don't have time to post any more. I leave the house at 6:30 AM. I am lucky if I get home by 6:00 PM. Then I have all the neighborhood stuff to work on in the evenings. I am tired and miserable and have had a headache since June. Also, I have nothing funny to write about and don't have the time to waste uploading pics from this shitty ass computer. I basically hate every aspect of my life. Except that I like my house. I just hate that it's in this noisy fucking ghetto when I know there are clean cheap places to live where I would actually have the time to do things I love doing and not just waste away existing in this cockroach life.

Swept Away

Yeah it's been awhile and I fully acknowledge that I suck so there you have it. In other news, yesterday I spent about two hours in traffic, I am seeing my new doctor tomorrow for my ongoing stomach/allergies/female issues mystery illness, a group in my neighborhood is banding together to fight a cell phone tower placement on top of a blighted building--yes, the city is financially rewarding a known slumlord--gotta love LA, and my job is still tentative as they work out the "reorganization" of the office. Oh and I went to SF over the weekend to visit my brother and his wife and I had one of the best night's sleep I've had since well, the last time I was in San Fran.--not sure what it is about that city but I sleep really well there.

Did I Mention

that I am back to work? Which means that I am back to drinking heavily so daily blogging becomes a little more tricky. I apologize to my small but loyal group of readers. My brain is mush.

Moving On (Not Me)

My dear friend Bee got offered a new and better position at a school that is so not in Los Angeles. I am thrilled for her but it just hit me today that she will be leaving. We have worked together for five years and have become good friends. She is one of those kind of people that you can count on--and she takes that seriously. She will be moving soon.

No Way Out

I am going through a sick of Los Angeles phase. I am sick of the noise, the pollution, the people. At times like these, I get really immersed in the idea of moving somewhere else and focus on a place or region. I never end up moving but I learn a lot about other places. Right now I am living in (in my head--I don't just mean immersed I mean IMMERSED) the northwest. It is cool and calm. I live in downtown in a cool new converted loft in Vancouver, Seattle, or Portland. I've chucked the car cause I take public transportation everywhere. I drink a lot of coffee and tea and volunteer at the rep cinema where we show marginal films. I take a lot of walks. Life is awesome from here.

It's Hot

I'd like to write about how weird the last two weeks have been. How I stood up for myself at work and in doing so, unwittingly stood up for a whole bunch of people and how I found out how supported (even respected) I am at the place. It was interesting. I'd like to write about all of this but...

IT'S JUST TOO DAMN HOT. I mean it's like 1000 degrees. It's 8:00 PM and it is still just really really hot--sweaty hot, take off all your clothes hot, sit in a cold bath hot, my brain is mush I can't think straight hot. It's just really really hot. I think the earth is burning up. Well, at least Griffith Park. I can see the fire from my front door.

de·pres·sion [di-presh-uhn]

It's starting. It will reach it's full incubation stage at about 4:00 PM on Sunday and just continue throughout the evening and then it will fester until sometime in July.

It's easy for me to find things to like about about my job, all the "right" things, like a decent salary, benefits, and lots of time off, when I am at the beginning of a vacation. But as Sunday approaches and I have to go back, the depression about what I am doing with my life sets in.

And then my parents are stopping through today and tomorrow on their way to a cruise. This doesn't make it any better. They'll spend the time pointing out all the stuff that is wrong with my house and follow that conversation by telling me all the things they need to change with their house (a brand new home that they have decorated and redecorated about 5 zillion times--I'm estimating here--in their two years of living there). Thanks mom and dad and while your at it could you drive a nail in my head and maybe kick big D in the sac a few times?