Wednesday, October 28, 2009

What I Know

Yesterday was a sad day. Yesterday I fought with Big D yet again. My parents had to put their dog down yesterday. Yesterday, Bugs's teeth were killing her and she had a stuffy nose and was grouchy. Yesterday we couldn't go outside to play because the winds were gusting so badly that the air was filled with dust and burned our eyes. Yesterday was not a good day.

I am sad for my parents and my sister and her husband. They loved that dog and he filled some sort of hole they have. Have I mentioned that my parents have this deep dark hole in their home? It has always been there. We picked it up and packed it and carried it with us from home to home in our billion moves we made when I was a kid. It came with us everywhere. We had to remember to walk around it, sometimes tip-toeing on it's slippery edge, every now and then sliding in. Sometimes, we'd reach up for help or scream in panic, "Hey, I was just sitting here with my lonely self watching TV, eating ice cream and somehow I got swallowed up in this damn dark hole. Help! I want out! Get me the hell out of here." Other times, we'd wallow in it's darkness. We snuggled into it's familiarity. Years have been spent in that damn hole. It takes up a lot of square footage, it does.

So pets, pets help. Pets keep them out of the hole. They drag them out. I felt a little bad that I was more relieved for the dog than sad because he was old and in pain and seemed like he had already died but didn't know how to pass. It was time. I feel sad for my family but I am happy for the dog. I think the winds picked up yesterday afternoon to gust him into doggie heaven.

Yesterday evening, my mom came back to my house with me after dinner to help me give Bug a bath. Her eyes puffy and red from crying all day, she said to me, her voice breaking, that "time just goes so fast, 15 years just gone". So there it is, the hole. The time passing. Death smacks us with life's shortness.

I keep thinking about that. I think about how we have no idea when death is coming. But when it comes, I know one thing for certain, there may be regrets in my life, staying too long at an unfulfilling job, worthless arguments, giving too much of myself without getting much in return, giving up to easily sometimes. But I know with absolute certainty that I won't regret being here with my daughter. Being here full time. All day every day. It is the best decision I have ever made and when the next 15 years pass she will be a teenager, getting close to going off to college. I will be so thankful that the person I am now made the difficult decision to stay home and be with her. When I am old and looking back over my life, the jobs, the finances, all that stuff will wash away and all I will have is the memory of my daughter's beautiful little face, her eyes looking to me. I will never regret letting myself be her world these first few years of life. That I know for certain.


Existential Waitress said...

Beautiful post! I absolutely love it. It has a certain Bergman quality to it at points. And the last part in particular I could have written myself - I think about that all the time: the regrets (even though I don't believe in regrets, a few still creep up at times), mortality, and the fact that life actually has meaning finally b/c of my children. As you said: the best decision I ever made in life and none of that other crap will really matter when it's all said and I done. Again, I love, love, love this post.

Amie said...


Brittany at Mommy Words said...

Gorgeous post! No regrets is right. This time with our children is precious and priceless! Our lives are blessings and miracles and the moments are to be cherished!

Amie said...

Thanks, Brittany. Yup, I am 100% certain that I won't look back on my life and think, "Sure wish I hadn't spent all that time with my child." It is the one thing in my life that I am totally certain of.