Cause You Love My Boobs And I Love You

So, EW just wrote about a sweet encounter with her boobie sucker, and it made me realize that I haven't talked about breastfeeding in like a way too long time. I know, you are sitting at the edge of your seats in anticipation cause BFing blog posts rock your world too.



Well, I have been nursing Bug for one month short of a year and a half. We are down to about one or two feedings during the day and about 5 million at night. That's right, I am day-weaning and night nursing cause night-weaning is for wimps and the lack of sleep is giving me a glossy glow and doe eyes. Truth be told, I did this ass backwards cause I am an idiot breast-feeder and I lack the ability to let my kid cry at night. Yeah, I am that kind of parent. I call myself the "Accidental AP Parent" because I really had no parenting plan before Bug was born other than playing it by ear and rolling with the punches. I didn't know much about the whole--baby-wearing, nursing until college, letting the kid take over cal-king bed--type of parenting until I had Bug. But, as it turns out, that is what I am. And that is what I am because that is what Bug needed (needs) and I felt (feel) like my job is to respond to those needs. I baby wore because Bug had reflux and needed to be upright to be comfortable. I co-slept because she woke up constantly throughout the night and I needed (need) some damn sleep. I continue to nurse because it is her comfort and I can't see a real reason in her best interest to take it away from her. That said, breastfeeding is not nearly as simple as I thought it would be. I remember thinking all I needed was my boobs. Here is list of a few things that I realize I needed:



1. Nursing Bras. But not the expensive ones. The $50 dollar one I bought at the trendy BFing store in SM. Um yeah, not so much. The ones I bought in desperation, right after my milk came in and I was so engorged I was asking random strangers to suck on my boobs just to get a little relief, well those were somewhat better but didn't hold up in the wash and seriously people, when you are BFing every hour and half around the clock you really do not have time or the will to hand wash your stinky milk stained bras. Pulease. Which bras worked (work) the best? The $15 dollar ones I bought at Target. Without a doubt, the best.



2. The Medela Breastpump. If you are planning to BF your kiddo, you need to get one of these BEFORE your milk comes in and learn how to use it. Again, this was something I bought after my milk came in A) cause I had major oversupply issues and needed to pump to control my supply. Inversely, if you have low supply you need to pump to build up your supply or so I have been told. B) because I thought I'd be going back to work and needed to start pumping a supply of milk. I have to admit, I was actually afraid to use it at first and it took me a couple weeks of it sitting on display on my dining room table before I worked up the nerve to put my boob into the milk station. C) Cause how many other times in your life will you be able to buy such a ridiculous item and actually use it? The breast pump is all kinds of awesomeness and weirdness.


3. Zoloft. Well, not so much for the breastfeeding but for my sanity. My postpartum anxiety sucked and Zoloft did the trick to get things back on track. Not that my days are now picking wildflowers in a meadow, chasing rainbows and unicorns, but I am able to cope with the chaos. I stopped taking the meds several months ago but I highly recommend getting a little medicinal help if you need it.



4. A Postpartum Doula. OK, I sooo did not have this. I did have my mom's help. And she WAS a tremendous help. But even though I didn't have to pay her in cash, that kind of help didn't come for cheap. I PAID FOR IT WITH MY SOUL!!!!!! Seriously, next time ( if there is a next time) I'll hire a Doula. NOT KIDDING!

****There are lots of other obvious things. I got a boppy hand-me-down from a friend. And these pillows come in handy for the first couple of months. I had a really cute nursing cover-up thingy. I used it a bit but Bug hated being covered while nursing so it didn't get much use. Nursing tops are not too necessary and I stuck with t-shirts and cardigans as my nursing drobe but again, when else can you justify buying something as fanciful as easy access tops which allow you too whip out your boob through a nice little hole in the shirt? They are kind of hilarious.****

When to Wean

If it were up to me, I'd choose 12 months. That's right. Nola would blow out her one year old birthday candle, eat a piece of gooey happiness from her ladybug birthday cake, and then swig down her first glass of whole organic milk and decide boobs were for babies--and you know how Nola hates being a baby.

But breastfeeding isn't just about food. It is a relationship and like any other it has its ups and downs. Nola and I started our breastfeeding relationship in the delivery room when she latched on like a pro and nursed until she fell asleep. It was a blissful beginning followed by a lot of drama. There was the thrush misdiagnosis which caused a full month of utter hell. There was also my oversupply issues followed by suspected food allergies which led me to eating a diet free of all eight common allergic foods.

And I am ready to eat cheese again. I had a dream a few nights ago that I was using a huge hunk of cheddar cheese as an edible utensil, dipping it into various food items and scarfing it down. I know, in the light of day this is vomit inducing but in the dream (and for a few seconds after I woke up) it was pure dairy heaven.

But breastfeeding is also about comfort and love and connection. It is also the easiest baby calmer tool given to mothers. Baby bumped her head? Whip out the boob. Baby not feeling good? Whip out the boob. Baby need to sleep? Yup, that's right, whip out the boob. Would I even know how to parent without breastfeeding? Could I comfort her in other ways? Is she ready for that? This is a relationship and two people are involved so even though I am beyond ready to have my body back to myself, I don't know when Nola will be.

FUCK!!! Part Two

So, after a general urinalysis ordered from my GP showed I had a UTI and she wanted to put me on an antibiotic, I barged into my OB/Gyn's office demanding a culture. They of course thought I was a nutjob but did the culture and it showed negative. So, no UTI or should I say no UTI????

Also, the general concensus for my thrush situation is best summed up by the GI specialist we saw today who said, "I'm not convinced that is thrush." Holy hell. And her pediatrician is kind of like well, it'll go away on it's own. And my ob/gyn and GP don't think it's thrush. So, WTF????? Why can't someone say yes or no? I hate doctors.

Thrush

I am so depressed over the thrush. As if the overactive letdown wasn't enough for this poor little baby to deal with, now I have given her thrush! I feel like a shit. She is uncomfortable all the time. And I think our doctors have given us an aggressive enough treatment. So now I have to call my doctor again and ask her to give us what we need. This is so frustrating.

OH Lord

We have thrush. Fuck!

The Baby

My little one is five weeks old. Breastfeeding is still challenging and it breaks my heart when she struggles with my milk flow. Something miraculous happened last night. She went five hours between feedings which meant that I got about four hours of straight sleep! Hallelujah. She is still very gassy most of the time. She is starting to recognize faces and voices which is amazing! Oh and she is the cutest baby ever.

The Pump and a Weight Check

So I bought a pump last week. I am afraid of it. I don't think I'll offer her a bottle yet but I have a fear of having no stored milk in case of an emergency. I have been working to try to get the whole let down thing under control and fear that I could just sabotage the whole thing with the pump. On the other hand, pumping a little might actually help.

I took her for a weight check yesterday and she is right on target for weight gain. She is now 8 pounds 6 and 1/2 ounces! She was 7 pounds 14 ounces at birth and went down to 7 pounds 3 ounces. Last Tuesday, she was 8 pounds which means she has gained an ounce a day since then!

Life Has Changed

So, breastfeeding is way more difficult than I thought it would be. And I expected it to be difficult. I can't believe the pace. My life has been turned over to nursing. Every two hours. Sometimes 2 1/2 to 3. And that is from the beginning of the the last feeding. And I have an overactive milk let down which makes my little one is fussy and uncomfortable at the breast. We are trying to work through it but it makes me feel like crap. On top of being exhausted.

She's Here

The new girl in the room was born on Sept 10. She is the most beautiful baby in the cosmos. And I'm not just saying that because I am her mother--it's a fact. I'll write more about the birth at some point but right now all of my world centers around breastfeeding and my brain is mush.