Glad I Didn't Do That

Doesn't she look pissed? Totally.

Do you think all the women who got this porcupine hairdo are really pissed off now that they are stuck growing it out while Kate got expensive hair extensions from a celebrity stylist?

When I was in a deep dark place, a time of weakness, a person who shall remain nameless actually suggested I get this hairdo. Even in that time of confusion, I had the mental fortitude to pass. Even my six inch roots and fried ends were better than having to grow something like that out. I am much better now (and so is my hair) but I still kinda hold that suggestion against that person. I think it was a little mean-spirited.

I May Be An Asshole, But My Kid Has a Bunny-Pig and a Puppy

Target. We are at Target. Me and the Bugs. And we are scooting down the aisles. Pow. Pow (I am making little shooting gun actions with my hands in my mind cause I am totally knocking down these aisles, baby). We are really doing a wham-bam-thank-you-mam of this shopping endeavor. We are getting what we need and getting out. I am feeling pretty good about myself. I am not being sucked into the Target vortex. You know the one. The one where you go in for toothpaste and baby wipes and end up hours later, eyes glazed over, and holding a receipt over $100. How does that happen? Well, it wasn't happening this time.

But then we had to go by the aisle with the cheery ceramic piggy banks and Bug sees them and says, "Piggy!" to which I say yes, "Piggy." Which clicks something in her 17 month old brain that says MUST HAVE PIGGY RIGHT NOW!!!! So now we are close to a full blown PIGGY INCIDENT in the aisles of Target. Bug is crying, pleading, "piggy, piggy!" I get the bright idea to head over to the toy aisle and pick up some little pig that she can hold onto while we finish this shopping excursion and get outta here. We are zooming down the toy aisles, my eyes like radar for anything pig. And nothin', I find nothin'. I grab a little stuffed animal dog and this seems to please her cause now she's all "puppy, puppy."


But I am a glutton for punishment and I decide to make one last stab at finding this child a pig. So I dash us over to the $1 aisle and think I've found it...eureka!...its pink and round it's a pig....no wait it's a bunny. But she doesn't have to know that, right? Right. I give it to her and exclaim, "PIG!" She gives me a slighted look that says, alright lady, I'll go along with your story, now let's go pay for my new puppy and bunny-pig and let's get outta here and go play outside. While in line, I get this bright idea to not actually buy the pig and the doggy. She won't care, right? I have somehow forgotten that my child NEVER FORGETS ANYTHING! If we played with bubble outside four months ago, every time we are in that spot where we blew said bubbles, she'll say, "bubbles!"

And she does not forget this time either. The entire ride home she is crying for piggy and dog. I tell her we'll see them when we get home. And when we get home I bring her her two stuffed animal pigs and make a big show of it, "Piggy piggy, Yay!!!!" But she is not having it. She is screaming her head off and pointing to the Target bag and begging for piggy and dog. There are times when I can feel exactly what she is feeling and the feeling was betrayal.

So (and this is where you may judge me and deem me an asshole) I tell her that we are going back to the store to get the puppy and the pig. She runs to the door. We get in the car. We go back to Target. We get the puppy and the pig. They cost a grand total of $6.49. Why the hell didn't I just buy them to begin with? You might think my mistake was going back. You might think I should have let her have a tantrum and get over it and learn that life is not fair and she doesn't get everything she wants. You might think I missed out on a teachable moment. Well I do think this is a teachable moment...for me.

My mistake was putting those toys in her little hands to calm her down if I had no intention of buying them. She couldn't have a ceramic piggy bank. I should have let her cry about that, if anything. Instead, I made it easier on both of us by appeasing her with a distraction. However, when I slyly removed them from the checkout stand, I used deception against my child. That is not the way I want to mother. She was right to feel betrayed because everything I did in the store led her to believe that I was going to buy them for her. If I didn't plan to buy them for her I should have never given them to her to begin with. That is holding myself accountable and teaching ethical behavior. Again, feel free to judge.

A Little TMI Otherwise Known As The Return Of My Period (I Think)

I think I am having my period. There are little drops of blood in my underwear. So must be, right? It has been so long. I think November of 2007 was my last sight of the bloods. Except, of course, for the massive soaking that comes after giving birth.

And then there was also the scary bleeding I had in the first trimester. When I saw the blood on the toilet paper this morning, my heart sank right back to that horrible morning I started bleeding. I remembered crawling back into bed after my 4:30 AM trip to the bathroom and whispering "No,no,no no, please God, no" and then rushing into the Ob/Gyn, my face stained with tears, my hands trembling, wanting to run into the ultrasound room and shove the wand up there myself and see that little heart beating and be relieved. It would take one more bloody scare for the doctor to tell me it looked liked the bleeding was from a low lying placenta and to take it easy but the baby was going to be fine. And she was. Better than fine. Perfect, she is.

The next time I would bleed would be the night I woke up to go to the bathroom three days before my due date and found blood on the toilet paper. As I went to lay down, I felt crampy and realized I felt like sitting up and as I sat there, I noticed that the crampy feeling was coming on rhythmically. I was having contractions and was at the beginning of labor.

My second thought this morning went to implantation bleeding before even considering it could be a period. I was all, "Oh hell no, I can't possibly be pregnant." Then I was all, "Hell no, you idiot, you are not pregnant. You are crampy and bloated and craving chocolate and salt. You are having your period." I think, anyway. It seems so much of my life has been punctuated with blood or the lack thereof over the past few years.

I Just Celebrated My 10 Year Anniversary And I am Feeling Nostalgic. Damn, I Must Be Getting Old.

(me and my friends circa 1995)

So it is NOT exactly us, it is a still from Reality Bites, but if you look quickly out of the corner of your eye, it's us. When I first saw Reality Bites, I hated it. How could a movie stereotype my generation like that? And make us seem like such dorks while doing it? I saw this movie again a few years ago and laughed my ass off because this movie WAS US. We dressed like that and drank like that and I even carried around a hi-8 video camera documenting our oh-so important life happenings or making short movies about how depressing Las Vegas is and everything was SOOO serious and we were going to change the world with our new technologies and the internet would unite us all. Cause how could there be war when you can be in touch with the whole universe just by uploading some video to your computer? God, we were soooo naive. Good Times.

More walks down memory lane to come...

Getting To Know Me, Getting to Know All About Me

Gabrielle over @ The Wifey Blogs has included me in her list of Beautiful Bloggers. Thank you so much!!! I am really lame at these awards because, like contests, I am never sure if I am doing them right. I know, I am a serious dork. I also feel bad having to nominate someone because I am worried they will be pissed off or just annoyed. I know, I am seriously lame.


Here are the rules.

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2. Copy the award & place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4. Share 7 interesting things about yourself.
5. Nominate 7 additional Beautiful Bloggers.

Seven Interesting Things About ME ME ME ME ME....

1) I thought I was going to be a film/video editor. I did a little editing after college. Then went to grad school where I did ALOT of editing. After I graduated, I didn't want to ever step foot inside an editing bay ever again. I was totally burned out on it. The thought of sitting alone in a dark cold room editing crappy TV (I am all for watching it at home in a comfy and warm nicely lit family room though) made me want to die. I had a sort of quarter-life crisis. I spent the next seven years working in education instead. And yes, I have about eight million dollars in student loan debt. Oh well.

2) I moved 2.5 million times as a kid due to my father's job. It made me pretty jaded because I started to see the exact same kids in each school I went to and the same cliques. It made me good at reading people but also made me a loner and distrustful.

3) I loved Neil Finn from Crowded House when I was a teenager. My friend and I stalked a waiter at Chili's for about a year cause we thought he resembled him.

4) I love being a mother and think I am pretty damn good at it but I wish the rest of my life wasn't so fucked up.

5) I went to high school and college in Las Vegas. Though I am originally from Massachusetts, I have probably been shaped more by Vegas than New England. Living there helped make me the weirdo I am today.

6) My husband and I have been together since the beginning of time. We started dating at the end of 1995. We lived together in Las Vegas and then moved to Los Angeles together to go to graduate school. We got married in 2000. Our tin anniversary is in a couple of days.

7) Some days I really want another baby. Other days I am in complete disagreement about that.

And The Award Goes To....

Existential Waitress---Cause she would nominate me for any award that she received cause she is my bestie like that.

Organic Motherhood With Cool Whip---Cause her blog is just fantastically wonderful.

The Wifey---Cause I believe in giving it right back atcha when I get an award.

The All New (Brief History) of the Rise and Fall of Ten Minutes Ago---Because Jason, Big D, and I backpacked through Europe together in another lifetime and because his beautiful wife is soon to have their second baby.

Clueless But Hopeful Mama---Cause she has some of the most thought provoking posts about motherhood in the whole mommy-blogging bloggieland.

Reformed By Motherhood---Cause she has a Bug too. And cause I just love her writing and her topics.

The Stroller Ballet---Cause Sarah is a lovely person with a lovely blog.

Cause You Love My Boobs And I Love You

So, EW just wrote about a sweet encounter with her boobie sucker, and it made me realize that I haven't talked about breastfeeding in like a way too long time. I know, you are sitting at the edge of your seats in anticipation cause BFing blog posts rock your world too.



Well, I have been nursing Bug for one month short of a year and a half. We are down to about one or two feedings during the day and about 5 million at night. That's right, I am day-weaning and night nursing cause night-weaning is for wimps and the lack of sleep is giving me a glossy glow and doe eyes. Truth be told, I did this ass backwards cause I am an idiot breast-feeder and I lack the ability to let my kid cry at night. Yeah, I am that kind of parent. I call myself the "Accidental AP Parent" because I really had no parenting plan before Bug was born other than playing it by ear and rolling with the punches. I didn't know much about the whole--baby-wearing, nursing until college, letting the kid take over cal-king bed--type of parenting until I had Bug. But, as it turns out, that is what I am. And that is what I am because that is what Bug needed (needs) and I felt (feel) like my job is to respond to those needs. I baby wore because Bug had reflux and needed to be upright to be comfortable. I co-slept because she woke up constantly throughout the night and I needed (need) some damn sleep. I continue to nurse because it is her comfort and I can't see a real reason in her best interest to take it away from her. That said, breastfeeding is not nearly as simple as I thought it would be. I remember thinking all I needed was my boobs. Here is list of a few things that I realize I needed:



1. Nursing Bras. But not the expensive ones. The $50 dollar one I bought at the trendy BFing store in SM. Um yeah, not so much. The ones I bought in desperation, right after my milk came in and I was so engorged I was asking random strangers to suck on my boobs just to get a little relief, well those were somewhat better but didn't hold up in the wash and seriously people, when you are BFing every hour and half around the clock you really do not have time or the will to hand wash your stinky milk stained bras. Pulease. Which bras worked (work) the best? The $15 dollar ones I bought at Target. Without a doubt, the best.



2. The Medela Breastpump. If you are planning to BF your kiddo, you need to get one of these BEFORE your milk comes in and learn how to use it. Again, this was something I bought after my milk came in A) cause I had major oversupply issues and needed to pump to control my supply. Inversely, if you have low supply you need to pump to build up your supply or so I have been told. B) because I thought I'd be going back to work and needed to start pumping a supply of milk. I have to admit, I was actually afraid to use it at first and it took me a couple weeks of it sitting on display on my dining room table before I worked up the nerve to put my boob into the milk station. C) Cause how many other times in your life will you be able to buy such a ridiculous item and actually use it? The breast pump is all kinds of awesomeness and weirdness.


3. Zoloft. Well, not so much for the breastfeeding but for my sanity. My postpartum anxiety sucked and Zoloft did the trick to get things back on track. Not that my days are now picking wildflowers in a meadow, chasing rainbows and unicorns, but I am able to cope with the chaos. I stopped taking the meds several months ago but I highly recommend getting a little medicinal help if you need it.



4. A Postpartum Doula. OK, I sooo did not have this. I did have my mom's help. And she WAS a tremendous help. But even though I didn't have to pay her in cash, that kind of help didn't come for cheap. I PAID FOR IT WITH MY SOUL!!!!!! Seriously, next time ( if there is a next time) I'll hire a Doula. NOT KIDDING!

****There are lots of other obvious things. I got a boppy hand-me-down from a friend. And these pillows come in handy for the first couple of months. I had a really cute nursing cover-up thingy. I used it a bit but Bug hated being covered while nursing so it didn't get much use. Nursing tops are not too necessary and I stuck with t-shirts and cardigans as my nursing drobe but again, when else can you justify buying something as fanciful as easy access tops which allow you too whip out your boob through a nice little hole in the shirt? They are kind of hilarious.****

It's My Laundry And I'll Fold What I Want To

For the time being I am suspending all sock sorting and folding activity. Socks, I am leaving you in this basket from whence I will fetch you on an as-needed basis. Take that, laundry. Yeah yeah, shirts and pants, don't get your panties all in a bunch. I am still gonna fold you (and you too panties, for that matter). Shirts, I even ironed one of you last week. So get off my back. Socks, just deal with it. Think of your time in this basket as a party and mingle.