girl in the room

Moving

2010-05-12T21:28:00.000-07:00

I am moving. I am packing up the boxes and moving on. And I am not just talking about my move back to Los Angeles. I am moving this bloggy too. GITR now lives here: www.girlintheroom.com

Exposed

2010-05-06T16:34:00.000-07:00

Back when I worked, people were always getting in trouble over e-mail snafus. One lady got the boot cause she wrote an e-mail about one of our celeb prospective parents and sent it to Sarah the boss instead of Sarah the assistant. And there were other issues. People often hit the "reply all" button as opposed to the "reply to sender" button leaving more than one person in an embarrassing e-mail sitch and throwing the tech team into overdrive to shutdown the message before all the "alls" could retrieve it. The panic always cracked me up. And you need that kind of thing to lighten your day when you live in a cave.

But when an e-mail snafu happens to you, or to me, to be more precise, it is not such a laughing matter. And I know better. I know not to write it in an e-mail. It was a truthful e-mail but potentially hurtful and it somehow got before the eyes of the person it was about. And though she knew about it for at least a couple of weeks, just confronted me yesterday. She actually thanked me because what I said in the e-mail helped her reflect on our relationship. I am not sure if the apology was sincere or a stab but the whole situation created a lot of tears and hurt and I feel at once both violated and embarrassed, hurt and ashamed. I wish I had had the guts to say what I had to say to this person from the get go, but some relationships, especially familial are incredibly tense, twisted, and confusing. I don't totally regret writing it because it was and is the truth but I do regret that it somehow got to her because it was a private conversation. But it happened and I can't take it back so it is what it is. I am sorry that I hurt this person but not sorry that I wrote about my honest feelings and I will not use other people's computers in the future.

Getting Over It

2010-05-01T14:23:00.000-07:00

When I quit work, we had to move. Bug and I moved to the desert. Big D stayed in Los Angeles and came to us on the weekends. At first it didn't matter much. Bug was nursing all the time and refluxing when she wasn't nursing and we two were a beautiful mess. But as the months turned into a year, the weekdays without Big D became grueling and the commuting back and forth for Big D became arduous. Bug became attached to her Daddy. It became obvious that we needed to move back. But in doing so, I have come to realize that this temporary move to the desert has been a buffer from the feelings of having to, for financial reasons and other more personal reasons, leave. The house in Eagle Rock has our blood, sweat, and tears in it. For now, it is still ours though we no longer live there. But I am realizing that I have to mourn a little for it and then get over it. Cause a house is only a home when the people you love are in it. And that is what I have learned. So, here is my goodbye to my lovely little house. I think we did right by you.

When The Kids Play

2010-04-27T13:33:00.000-07:00

I think I've mentioned before that I went to high school and college in Las Vegas and most of Big D's family lives there as well. So does my BFF who is known in bloggieland as Existential Waitress. We have wanted to get our kids to meet and play since before Bug was born but for a variety of circumstances that didn't happen until this last Friday when we went to Vegas for a visit.

We had the feeling our kids would get along but their interaction exceeded our expectations. It was a serious funfest. Our kids played and played and danced and played "See You" otherwise known as Hide and Seek for hours and hours. Bug LOVED all of Maggs and Bear's toys and they just got along so damn well. EW and I were such proud parents. We were mentally high-fiving each other all evening cause our kids rocked! It is the kind of thing that makes a mommy all sappy and even a little teary-eyed. It was awesome!

I'm Goin' Back to Cali

2010-04-16T13:59:00.000-07:00

And in honor of this, here are the lyrics to one of my favorite songs about Los Angeles...

California love! 2Pac featuring Dr. Dre

California...knows how to party
California...knows how to party
In the citaaay of L.A.
In the citaaay of good ol' Watts
In the citaaay, the city of Compton
We keep it rockin! We keep it rockin!

Now let me welcome everybody to the wild, wild west
A state that's untouchable like Elliot Ness
The track hits ya eardrum like a slug to ya chest
Pack a vest for your Jimmy in the city of sex
We in that sunshine state with a bomb ass hemp beat
the state where ya never find a dance floor empty
And pimps be on a mission for them greens
lean mean money-makin-machines servin fiends
I been in the game for ten years makin rap tunes
ever since honeys was wearin sassoon
Now it's '95 and they clock me and watch me
Diamonds shinin lookin like I robbed Liberace
It's all good, from Diego to tha Bay
Your city is tha bomb if your city makin pay
Throw up a finger if ya feel the same way
Dre puttin it down for
Californ-i-a

Shake it shake it baby
Shake it shake it baby
Shake it shake it mama
Shake it Cali
Shake it shake it baby
Shake it shake it shake it shake it...

Out on bail fresh outta jail, California dreamin
Soon as I stepped on the scene, I'm hearin hoochies screamin
Fiendin for money and alcohol
the life of a west side playa where cowards die and its all ball
Only in Cali where we riot not rally to live and die
In L.A. we wearin Chucks not Ballies (that's right)
Dressed in Locs and khaki suits and ride is what we do
Flossin but have caution we collide with other crews
Famous cause we program worldwide
Let'em recognize from Long Beach to Rosecrans
Bumpin and grindin like a slow jam, it's west side
So you know the row won't bow down to no man
Say what you say
But give me that bomb beat from Dre
Let me serenade the streets of L.A.
From Oakland to Sacktown
The Bay Area and back down
Cali is where they put they mack down
Give me love!

now make it shake...

uh, yeah, uh, longbeach in tha house, uh yeah
Oaktown, Oakland definately in tha house hahaha
Frisko, Frisko

hey, you know LA is up in this
Pasadena, where you at
yeah, Inglewood, Inglewood always up to no good
even Hollywood tryin to get a piece baby
Sacramento, sacramento where ya at? yeah

Throw it up y'all, throw it up, Throw it up
Let's show these fools how we do this on that west side
Cause you and I know it's tha best side

yeah, That's riight
west coast, west coast
uh, California Love
California Love

The Best Way To Choose A Home

2010-04-07T16:35:00.000-07:00

We have lived in many homes--some owned some rented. I have come to believe that this indeed IS the best way to choose a home.

Blogging Makes Me Feel Bad

2010-04-02T13:35:00.001-07:00

I just can't seem to keep up with you. You are beautiful and smart and a great mother and you are funny and witty and multi-task and have a perfect home and are crafty and have side projects and make money and write and have hobbies and good spelling and grammar and you are good wife and have a doting husband who has a great career too and you are financially stable and your blog is pretty and you post every day and you upload photos of your perfectness and you exercise and eat right and your kids wear cute clothes and you know how to dress yourself too and your kids sleep and eat vegetables and you take mini-vacations with your girlfriends and you sleep.

Glad I Didn't Do That

2010-03-09T11:40:00.000-08:00

Doesn't she look pissed? Totally.

Do you think all the women who got this porcupine hairdo are really pissed off now that they are stuck growing it out while Kate got expensive hair extensions from a celebrity stylist?

When I was in a deep dark place, a time of weakness, a person who shall remain nameless actually suggested I get this hairdo. Even in that time of confusion, I had the mental fortitude to pass. Even my six inch roots and fried ends were better than having to grow something like that out. I am much better now (and so is my hair) but I still kinda hold that suggestion against that person. I think it was a little mean-spirited.

I May Be An Asshole, But My Kid Has a Bunny-Pig and a Puppy

2010-03-01T20:38:00.000-08:00

Target. We are at Target. Me and the Bugs. And we are scooting down the aisles. Pow. Pow (I am making little shooting gun actions with my hands in my mind cause I am totally knocking down these aisles, baby). We are really doing a wham-bam-thank-you-mam of this shopping endeavor. We are getting what we need and getting out. I am feeling pretty good about myself. I am not being sucked into the Target vortex. You know the one. The one where you go in for toothpaste and baby wipes and end up hours later, eyes glazed over, and holding a receipt over $100. How does that happen? Well, it wasn't happening this time.

But then we had to go by the aisle with the cheery ceramic piggy banks and Bug sees them and says, "Piggy!" to which I say yes, "Piggy." Which clicks something in her 17 month old brain that says MUST HAVE PIGGY RIGHT NOW!!!! So now we are close to a full blown PIGGY INCIDENT in the aisles of Target. Bug is crying, pleading, "piggy, piggy!" I get the bright idea to head over to the toy aisle and pick up some little pig that she can hold onto while we finish this shopping excursion and get outta here. We are zooming down the toy aisles, my eyes like radar for anything pig. And nothin', I find nothin'. I grab a little stuffed animal dog and this seems to please her cause now she's all "puppy, puppy."

But I am a glutton for punishment and I decide to make one last stab at finding this child a pig. So I dash us over to the $1 aisle and think I've found it...eureka!...its pink and round it's a pig....no wait it's a bunny. But she doesn't have to know that, right? Right. I give it to her and exclaim, "PIG!" She gives me a slighted look that says, alright lady, I'll go along with your story, now let's go pay for my new puppy and bunny-pig and let's get outta here and go play outside. While in line, I get this bright idea to not actually buy the pig and the doggy. She won't care, right? I have somehow forgotten that my child NEVER FORGETS ANYTHING! If we played with bubble outside four months ago, every time we are in that spot where we blew said bubbles, she'll say, "bubbles!"

And she does not forget this time either. The entire ride home she is crying for piggy and dog. I tell her we'll see them when we get home. And when we get home I bring her her two stuffed animal pigs and make a big show of it, "Piggy piggy, Yay!!!!" But she is not having it. She is screaming her head off and pointing to the Target bag and begging for piggy and dog. There are times when I can feel exactly what she is feeling and the feeling was betrayal.

So (and this is where you may judge me and deem me an asshole) I tell her that we are going back to the store to get the puppy and the pig. She runs to the door. We get in the car. We go back to Target. We get the puppy and the pig. They cost a grand total of $6.49. Why the hell didn't I just buy them to begin with? You might think my mistake was going back. You might think I should have let her have a tantrum and get over it and learn that life is not fair and she doesn't get everything she wants. You might think I missed out on a teachable moment. Well I do think this is a teachable moment...for me.

My mistake was putting those toys in her little hands to calm her down if I had no intention of buying them. She couldn't have a ceramic piggy bank. I should have let her cry about that, if anything. Instead, I made it easier on both of us by appeasing her with a distraction. However, when I slyly removed them from the checkout stand, I used deception against my child. That is not the way I want to mother. She was right to feel betrayed because everything I did in the store led her to believe that I was going to buy them for her. If I didn't plan to buy them for her I should have never given them to her to begin with. That is holding myself accountable and teaching ethical behavior. Again, feel free to judge.

A Little TMI Otherwise Known As The Return Of My Period (I Think)

2010-02-23T12:03:00.000-08:00

I think I am having my period. There are little drops of blood in my underwear. So must be, right? It has been so long. I think November of 2007 was my last sight of the bloods. Except, of course, for the massive soaking that comes after giving birth.

And then there was also the scary bleeding I had in the first trimester. When I saw the blood on the toilet paper this morning, my heart sank right back to that horrible morning I started bleeding. I remembered crawling back into bed after my 4:30 AM trip to the bathroom and whispering "No,no,no no, please God, no" and then rushing into the Ob/Gyn, my face stained with tears, my hands trembling, wanting to run into the ultrasound room and shove the wand up there myself and see that little heart beating and be relieved. It would take one more bloody scare for the doctor to tell me it looked liked the bleeding was from a low lying placenta and to take it easy but the baby was going to be fine. And she was. Better than fine. Perfect, she is.

The next time I would bleed would be the night I woke up to go to the bathroom three days before my due date and found blood on the toilet paper. As I went to lay down, I felt crampy and realized I felt like sitting up and as I sat there, I noticed that the crampy feeling was coming on rhythmically. I was having contractions and was at the beginning of labor.

My second thought this morning went to implantation bleeding before even considering it could be a period. I was all, "Oh hell no, I can't possibly be pregnant." Then I was all, "Hell no, you idiot, you are not pregnant. You are crampy and bloated and craving chocolate and salt. You are having your period." I think, anyway. It seems so much of my life has been punctuated with blood or the lack thereof over the past few years.

I Just Celebrated My 10 Year Anniversary And I am Feeling Nostalgic. Damn, I Must Be Getting Old.

2010-02-21T12:53:00.000-08:00

(me and my friends circa 1995)

So it is NOT exactly us, it is a still from Reality Bites, but if you look quickly out of the corner of your eye, it's us. When I first saw Reality Bites, I hated it. How could a movie stereotype my generation like that? And make us seem like such dorks while doing it? I saw this movie again a few years ago and laughed my ass off because this movie WAS US. We dressed like that and drank like that and I even carried around a hi-8 video camera documenting our oh-so important life happenings or making short movies about how depressing Las Vegas is and everything was SOOO serious and we were going to change the world with our new technologies and the internet would unite us all. Cause how could there be war when you can be in touch with the whole universe just by uploading some video to your computer? God, we were soooo naive. Good Times.

More walks down memory lane to come...

Getting To Know Me, Getting to Know All About Me

2010-02-17T15:20:00.000-08:00

Gabrielle over @ The Wifey Blogs has included me in her list of Beautiful Bloggers. Thank you so much!!! I am really lame at these awards because, like contests, I am never sure if I am doing them right. I know, I am a serious dork. I also feel bad having to nominate someone because I am worried they will be pissed off or just annoyed. I know, I am seriously lame.

Here are the rules.

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2. Copy the award & place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4. Share 7 interesting things about yourself.
5. Nominate 7 additional Beautiful Bloggers.

Seven Interesting Things About ME ME ME ME ME....

1) I thought I was going to be a film/video editor. I did a little editing after college. Then went to grad school where I did ALOT of editing. After I graduated, I didn't want to ever step foot inside an editing bay ever again. I was totally burned out on it. The thought of sitting alone in a dark cold room editing crappy TV (I am all for watching it at home in a comfy and warm nicely lit family room though) made me want to die. I had a sort of quarter-life crisis. I spent the next seven years working in education instead. And yes, I have about eight million dollars in student loan debt. Oh well.

2) I moved 2.5 million times as a kid due to my father's job. It made me pretty jaded because I started to see the exact same kids in each school I went to and the same cliques. It made me good at reading people but also made me a loner and distrustful.

3) I loved Neil Finn from Crowded House when I was a teenager. My friend and I stalked a waiter at Chili's for about a year cause we thought he resembled him.

4) I love being a mother and think I am pretty damn good at it but I wish the rest of my life wasn't so fucked up.

5) I went to high school and college in Las Vegas. Though I am originally from Massachusetts, I have probably been shaped more by Vegas than New England. Living there helped make me the weirdo I am today.

6) My husband and I have been together since the beginning of time. We started dating at the end of 1995. We lived together in Las Vegas and then moved to Los Angeles together to go to graduate school. We got married in 2000. Our tin anniversary is in a couple of days.

7) Some days I really want another baby. Other days I am in complete disagreement about that.

And The Award Goes To....

Existential Waitress---Cause she would nominate me for any award that she received cause she is my bestie like that.

Organic Motherhood With Cool Whip---Cause her blog is just fantastically wonderful.

The Wifey---Cause I believe in giving it right back atcha when I get an award.

The All New (Brief History) of the Rise and Fall of Ten Minutes Ago---Because Jason, Big D, and I backpacked through Europe together in another lifetime and because his beautiful wife is soon to have their second baby.

Clueless But Hopeful Mama---Cause she has some of the most thought provoking posts about motherhood in the whole mommy-blogging bloggieland.

Reformed By Motherhood---Cause she has a Bug too. And cause I just love her writing and her topics.

The Stroller Ballet---Cause Sarah is a lovely person with a lovely blog.

Cause You Love My Boobs And I Love You

2010-02-09T20:24:00.000-08:00

So, EW just wrote about a sweet encounter with her boobie sucker, and it made me realize that I haven't talked about breastfeeding in like a way too long time. I know, you are sitting at the edge of your seats in anticipation cause BFing blog posts rock your world too.

Well, I have been nursing Bug for one month short of a year and a half. We are down to about one or two feedings during the day and about 5 million at night. That's right, I am day-weaning and night nursing cause night-weaning is for wimps and the lack of sleep is giving me a glossy glow and doe eyes. Truth be told, I did this ass backwards cause I am an idiot breast-feeder and I lack the ability to let my kid cry at night. Yeah, I am that kind of parent. I call myself the "Accidental AP Parent" because I really had no parenting plan before Bug was born other than playing it by ear and rolling with the punches. I didn't know much about the whole--baby-wearing, nursing until college, letting the kid take over cal-king bed--type of parenting until I had Bug. But, as it turns out, that is what I am. And that is what I am because that is what Bug needed (needs) and I felt (feel) like my job is to respond to those needs. I baby wore because Bug had reflux and needed to be upright to be comfortable. I co-slept because she woke up constantly throughout the night and I needed (need) some damn sleep. I continue to nurse because it is her comfort and I can't see a real reason in her best interest to take it away from her. That said, breastfeeding is not nearly as simple as I thought it would be. I remember thinking all I needed was my boobs. Here is list of a few things that I realize I needed:

1. Nursing Bras. But not the expensive ones. The $50 dollar one I bought at the trendy BFing store in SM. Um yeah, not so much. The ones I bought in desperation, right after my milk came in and I was so engorged I was asking random strangers to suck on my boobs just to get a little relief, well those were somewhat better but didn't hold up in the wash and seriously people, when you are BFing every hour and half around the clock you really do not have time or the will to hand wash your stinky milk stained bras. Pulease. Which bras worked (work) the best? The $15 dollar ones I bought at Target. Without a doubt, the best.

2. The Medela Breastpump. If you are planning to BF your kiddo, you need to get one of these BEFORE your milk comes in and learn how to use it. Again, this was something I bought after my milk came in A) cause I had major oversupply issues and needed to pump to control my supply. Inversely, if you have low supply you need to pump to build up your supply or so I have been told. B) because I thought I'd be going back to work and needed to start pumping a supply of milk. I have to admit, I was actually afraid to use it at first and it took me a couple weeks of it sitting on display on my dining room table before I worked up the nerve to put my boob into the milk station. C) Cause how many other times in your life will you be able to buy such a ridiculous item and actually use it? The breast pump is all kinds of awesomeness and weirdness.

3. Zoloft. Well, not so much for the breastfeeding but for my sanity. My postpartum anxiety sucked and Zoloft did the trick to get things back on track. Not that my days are now picking wildflowers in a meadow, chasing rainbows and unicorns, but I am able to cope with the chaos. I stopped taking the meds several months ago but I highly recommend getting a little medicinal help if you need it.

4. A Postpartum Doula. OK, I sooo did not have this. I did have my mom's help. And she WAS a tremendous help. But even though I didn't have to pay her in cash, that kind of help didn't come for cheap. I PAID FOR IT WITH MY SOUL!!!!!! Seriously, next time ( if there is a next time) I'll hire a Doula. NOT KIDDING!

****There are lots of other obvious things. I got a boppy hand-me-down from a friend. And these pillows come in handy for the first couple of months. I had a really cute nursing cover-up thingy. I used it a bit but Bug hated being covered while nursing so it didn't get much use. Nursing tops are not too necessary and I stuck with t-shirts and cardigans as my nursing drobe but again, when else can you justify buying something as fanciful as easy access tops which allow you too whip out your boob through a nice little hole in the shirt? They are kind of hilarious.****

It's My Laundry And I'll Fold What I Want To

2010-02-02T20:58:00.001-08:00

For the time being I am suspending all sock sorting and folding activity. Socks, I am leaving you in this basket from whence I will fetch you on an as-needed basis. Take that, laundry. Yeah yeah, shirts and pants, don't get your panties all in a bunch. I am still gonna fold you (and you too panties, for that matter). Shirts, I even ironed one of you last week. So get off my back. Socks, just deal with it. Think of your time in this basket as a party and mingle.

Cuteness Before Sickness

2010-02-01T20:46:00.000-08:00

The worst part of getting sick on our trip to Flagstaff was knowing that Bug would get it too. But she didn't get sick until the last day of our trip so she got to enjoy her first visit to the snow!

These Family Vacations Are For The Dogs, Literally

2010-01-25T14:09:00.000-08:00

Last week we headed up to Flagstaff to have the much anticipated and drama producing "the dogs of the family need to meet" vacation in the snow. Mind you, a few members of Big D's family have yet to meet Bug and this would be Bug's first introduction to snow. But these facts were far down on the list in importance to the dogs of Big D's family romping in the snow together. As we pulled onto the highway, I felt that familiar little scratch in the back of my throat that undoubtedly signals a cold is coming on. And of course a cold was coming on. I was going on a vacation. I always get sick on vacations. I always get sick on family vacations. I always get sick on vacations with Big D's family. Of course. My body revolts against me. Or against Big D's family. So right when I need my strength the most to keep a happy face and zen out amidst the madness (oh the stories I so wish I could tell) I am usually drowning in phlegm or coughing up a lung or puking up my guts. Lovely. It is just lovely. So of course, I got a full blown cold the whole time we where in Flagstaff. My head was a freight train being attacked by a sledgehammer and yet I went sledding, visited the ruins, made dinner, cleaned the kitchen, and of course watched out for Bug. I wouldn't have wanted to disrupt the doggie lovefest with a severe cold or minor case of piggy flu.

And it reminded me of another Big D family trip. This was a few years before the birth of the Bug. We were living in Los Angeles and we were heading down to San Diego for a reunion with Big D's family to watch the Browns kick the Chargers asses. Hahaha. Though neither Big D nor any of his siblings ever lived in Cleveland, his father is from Ohio and so they all are devout Browns fans in honor of their father. I was raised in New England and am therefore, though not much of a football fan, a fan of the Patriots nonetheless. But the point is, I was going to this family reunion to show allegiance to my husband and his family. And of course, on the way down to San Diego I feel that scratch in the back of my throat. Does my body revolt against the very idea of these family reunions? Maybe. I think my body just revolts against me.

So I did my best to suck it up. I drugged myself up good and smiled through it. And then the day of the game came. It was so hot. Ridiculously hot. The hot that doesn't happen in San Diego. Blistering sun. No sea breeze. Just bright sun which feels like daggers in my eyes so I keep the dark shades on and keep my eyes closed beneath them. As we approach the stadium Big D notes that the Echo is out of gas. He notes it but does he stop for a refill. Oh hell no! Big D has got to get to that stadium and get his football on. The point is we have NO GAS IN THE CAR as we putter into the stadium. And the traffic is a long line of turtles waddling into the parking lot. And because we have no gas we HAVE NO AIR CONDITIONING. And the Echo is the size of a peanut with three big guys plus me squished into it. And I have jacked myself up on cold medicine and diet coke to try to make it through the day from hell and save my marriage. And I am not kidding when I say that. Big D takes his family's likes and dislikes very seriously. When we were first dating, I fell asleep while watching a movie called something like A Man in The Wilderness, a movie revered in Big D's family, and it almost cost us the relationship. I think Big D still has hurt feelings over that. They take these things VERY seriously.

So anyway, the car is hot and stuffy and puttering along and you guessed it, I start puking all over the car. But this doesn't detract from their enthusiasm. In fact, they are so pumped up for the game I am not sure if anyone notices I am BARFING ON THE FLOOR of the car. GOOD TIMES!! Once in the stadium a harsh reality is upon us. The sun is beating down on the Browns side of the stadium and I am quickly adding sun stroke to my current bout of consumption. I excuse myself and head to the bathroom to make friends with the toilet. Ah, puking in public bathrooms, now that is classy (and has happened more than I care to admit). As I am puking, I realize that I really need to find a place to lie down and get out of the sun. So I go wandering the inner bowels of the stadium and stumble upon the clinic. I tell them that I am sick and need to lay down. The nurses look at me like, "Sure bitch, you are just drunk and can't hold your liqueur". But they let me lay down for 10 minutes. They actually time it and kick me off the cot at ten minutes and tell me that I either have to leave or go home. Go home? Not an option. Because if I pull Big D and say I was kicked out of the game for being sick, I would be headed to divorce court. Wow, the kindness of these medical professionals really astounds me. I am feeling the love. So I wander back to my seat where someone in the family starts taking photos of us all having a good time. And it seems everyone is completely oblivious to the fact that I am on death's door at this point. I am actually made to smile for the camera and I somehow manage to do it without vomiting--now that photo would have been a keeper!

So I am sitting there trying to meditate, praying I make it through this. And I begin noticing that Browns fans are particularly gross. For example, the people in front of me have two wild child brats. These kids have giant mats of nappiness for hair and the dad has some sort of skin disease that he keeps itching on and it starts bleeding. They are eating massive amounts of food and I am not kidding but the kids apparently don't know how to chew because as they are piling nachos and hotdogs into their mouths it just come tumbling out in chunks all over themselves and the seats and the floor and the hair of the people in front of them. And I realize I need to get out of there fast. So I spend most of the game sitting on the concrete in the hallway trying not to die. As the game nears an end (the Browns losing of course) I wander around a little and find that there is a whole picnic area on the first floor with chairs and tables and benches and shade and I could have sat there the whole time. And I am really pissed off at that point because the evil medical people could have told me that this place existed if they had a shred of humanity.

And then the game finally ends. Big D's family is pissed off and hating on the Chargers and making up reasons why the Browns lost yet another game. We make our way back to the car but we can't leave yet because there is no gas in the car so we have to wait until the parking lot empties until we can leave. This takes over an hour, maybe two. At this point, I no longer think I am dying, I want to die. Take me lord, take me now! We finally get in the car. Hallelujah! And now we have to find a place to get gas which for some reason takes an unholy amount of time. To top it of we follow Big D's Brother back to the condo and his Bro gets lost. It takes hours to get home. When we finally get home, I have to take the dogs out to pee because the boys need to finish watching football on TV before they can be bothered with the bathroom needs of the dogs. Someone orders Subway. We eat. I go to bed. Yeah, family vacations rule.

A Few Reasons Why It is Not A Good Idea to Have Dogs While Trying to Teach a Toddler to be Human

2010-01-13T07:48:00.000-08:00

Because it is hard to explain to you that it is OK for mommy to throw all your leftover eggs to the dogs but it is NOT OK to throw ALL your breakfast to the dogs. Cause this makes mommy want to fall on the dog-licked kitchen floor, curl into a fetal position, and bawl for the remainder of the morning.

Because it is really cute when you pretend to help mommy clean up chihuahua pee off the carpet(writing this, I realize it doesn't sound cute at all but you'll have to trust that it is heart-gushingly cute) but it is not a good idea to pee on the carpet yourself and then clean it up. This, in my opinion, is heart-gushingly cute too but I am trying to teach you to be a human being not a neurotic chihuahua and I think I might be losing the battle.

Because I need to teach you to eat off human dishes not out of dog bowls which is much more appealing to you. Retrieving you from your head in a dog dish is not my finest parenting moment.

Because while I find it hilarious that you like to say hi poop!!! to dog poop when you see it on the ground, others might find this disturbing and it could make you socially awkward.

Because while I secretly agree with you that it is pathetically funny when the chihuahua bears his teeth and snaps, it is not nice to torment the poor old curmudgeon just for a laugh.

Because a bit of healthy fear of large animals might be a good idea and since you enjoy getting licked from head to toe by the largest dog known to mankind, it is difficult to explain to you that the pit bull on the corner isn't so friendly which often leads to you falling to the dirty sidewalk screaming to the sky and kicking my shins because I am the meanest mommy in the world because I don't allow the dog to chew off your fingers through the fence.

My Brain Is Weird

2010-01-09T16:19:00.000-08:00

Wow, I think some lame and random shit during the course of a day:

1. Is cloudy or clear apple juice better?

2. Why does the dog smell like she rolled in garbage?

3. How long have I had this toenail polish on?

4. Do Mormons ever skip a day on the Mormon underwear?

5. How many pairs of Mormon underwear do they have anyway?

6. If Bug is sleeping at 5:00 PM does that mean I am in for it tonight?

7. Should I dye my hair brown?

8. Should I wake Bug up now?

9. Why does the Chihuahua's breathe smell like something crawled into his intestine and died?

10. How many days has it been since I took a shower?

The Monolith

2010-01-08T19:55:00.000-08:00

After we sold the condo we moved (escaped) to the cottage in Culver City. The owner called it a cottage but it was, in reality, more like a converted shed set back behind a row of 1920ish Spanish Bungalows. I called it my Innisfree at the time because the stress of the condo had sent me into a near mental collapse and I was looking for a hideaway or, more precisely, a hideout. There were some seriously insane people in the condo building--I'm talking horror movie scary--and I actually feared for my life. Or at the very least, my Chihuahua's life. And this place was so hidden I felt like even the Nazis couldn't find me. Of course, I eventually came to realize that all this seclusion turned in on me and made me even more fearful. If someone broke in to kill me, would anyone hear me scream? I know, I am terribly paranoid and the victim of an overactive imagination but it really wasn't a place you wanted to be alone in at night.

Being that it was some sort of converted shed that had undergone two or three expansions in its long life, it was full of charm but low on practical features such as closets. This set me out on a search for something which could contain all the sundry things one normally puts neatly away in closets or cabinets. We found this large armoire on craigslist. The seller lived in Silverlake and was moving to New York and needed to unload some of his eclectic possessions. This one being an antique Indian apothecary armoire. Of course, as my husband and our friend Jason, who we paid off to help move the damn thing from Silverlake to Culver City (too far for those of you not familiar with Los Angeles) learned, the most likely reason he was selling it was because it weighs more than than the entire naval fleet of the US Military. The sucker is heavy. On that very first move into the cottage, we christened it with the name Monolith ala Space Odyssey 2001 and it is truly deserving of the title. Who would ever want to move with that damn thing? Oh, I guess us since we've moved it three times.

It is now with me in the desert and has become something other than the monolith. It has become the black hole of clutter, the dark hole of crap. I'm not a hoarder, I love getting rid of my things, even things I like. I've given away furniture to friends, clothing to co-workers, and food to any charity that asks. Your interested in that book? Oh, you can have it. What comes around goes around. Out with the old in with the new. But, if I were to fall into a parallel universe and find myself in a Twilight Zone-like episode of Hoarders, and they were to ask, standing amidst piles of old receipts, unread books and magazines stacked high like a twisted Edwardian maze, if I could pinpoint exactly where it all went wrong, what exactly birthed this horrible reality, I would succinctly and without a beat, point to my nemesis, the Monolith, as the source of the insanity.

It is the one place in my home that I can't seem to get to. I can't seem to tackle. It is a junk drawer on steroids. It is the place I shove things when visitors are coming over. It's the place I put things that I want out of sight but can't throw out. I have everything from board games to bills shoved in that thing. I hate its utter lack of organization and yet I need it. I need it because it keeps the crap out of the rest of the living space. I know there will come a day when I will get rid of it or at least its contents and that will be a day to raise a glass and toast my freedom from the Monolith.

I am Moving to Australia

2010-01-06T14:14:00.000-08:00

So today has been when of those days. I'd say I woke up on the wrong side of the bed if it weren't for the fact that you can't wake up when you never actually go to sleep. Nola wanted to nurse all night long and when she wasn't nursing she was sleeping like a possessed person-- sitting up and then falling down, rambling in her sleep about Buddha and the dogs, flipping over me, and then ultimately crying for bobo (her word for boob). That is probably why waking up to an anonymous person telling me my blog sucked since 2007 up until yesterday's post made me want to lay down and die. I am being seriously over-sensitive cause this person merely said that my blog was getting better and that isn't a bad thing. But that is what two years of no sleep will do to a person. In fact, I am impressed that there is even a shred of coherency in this blog. Also, I jumped to the conclusion that anonymous person was Big D, which I guess it isn't and I sent him an e-mail begging him to back of my little blog and leave it alone. Sorry, babe, I am just having a really bad day.

This Place is Getting Too Small Already (And I Might Be Fat)

2010-01-04T07:52:00.000-08:00

This house is a mess. Not just a little messy. It needs a top to bottom cleaning. I call this kind of cleaning a furniture moving experience. And this house is in desperate need of a furniture moving experience. The problem is I don't have the will to begin. Nor the time to finish. Mess and clutter give me anxiety. I (metaphorically) stand in the middle of the family room and just wring my hands. It doesn't help that the family room is the only bit of living space in this little house. I might lose it. Or just sit in the middle of this mess and eat leftover quiche and watch some TV.

Also, I weighed less six months after giving birth than I do now. To make matters even worse, I weighed less six weeks after giving birth than I do now. This is not a good situation and I really need to do something about it. But again, I am lacking motivation.

The Way My Luck Runs

2010-01-02T10:50:00.000-08:00

I was meaning to sit down and write a post about how much 2009 sucked. Because in so many ways it did. It sucked harder than just about any year in my piling up years. But I kept thinking about Bug and how I have spent the whole year with her. Every night. Every day. I have never been a lucky person. I am not saying that to be negative, it is just the truth. Things don't just happen for me. I'm not a contest winner. I don't ever open the mailbox and find cash. OK, every now and then I find and old 20 dollar bill in a purse I haven't used in a while and when that happens I do think I LUCKED OUT. I'm all, "Hey, 20 bucks, let's go out and get us some Starbucks." But seriously, is finding old money really luck? Methinks it is more like housekeeping than luck. But the point is, seeing Bug turn into a talking (did I tell you she knows at least 100 words?), running, funny, boisterous, silly, persistent, hugable, almost jumping, loving, adorable, little person has been my biggest stroke of luck to date. So F U 2009, you didn't get me down after all. And now you are gone and done for and I am still standing so it looks like I won.

Happy New Decade!

2009-12-31T11:06:00.001-08:00

These days I have 20 minutes (if I am lucky) of free time a day so I don't have the time to write the post I want to write about the last decade. Instead, here is what I will tell you about my blog.

I want to redesign it this year. If anyone knows anyone who can do this on the cheap for me, let me know. Because with 20 minutes of free time, I don't know if this will happen without help.

I want to express thanks to those women bloggers out there who keep me connected to reality.

I want to check my spelling more often. God, it has been embarrassingly bad this year.

I want to find a way to have more time to write.

Happy New Year!

She's Taking It To A Whole New Level

2009-12-30T07:54:00.000-08:00

Bug has decided that she now wants to nap on me. It seems the swing has lost its magic. I didn't think her sleep could get worse. Oh, but it did. IT DID. This is VERY distrurbing. I may have lost my mind.

Happy Holidays

2009-12-24T06:55:00.001-08:00

The Great Interview Experiment: All About Moi

2009-12-22T14:28:00.000-08:00

Lynn at the Human, Being blog interviewed me for Neil's Great Interview Experiment. You can read the interview here. Or just read Lynn's Blog which is thoughtful, reflective, and inspirational.

The Best of 2009 Blog Challenge

2009-12-20T19:28:00.000-08:00

I am participating in Gwen Bell's The Best of 2009 Blog Challenge because it is fun. I am beginning here.

December 1 Trip. What was your best trip in 2009?

Our trip to Colorado, was by far, the best trip we took this year. And I am not just saying that because it was our ONLY trip this year. Well, maybe I am. But, the fact remains that we had a fabulous time in Denver. We met Uncle Ben's dog, Pike. Pike is a St. Bernard. He is the biggest dog in the whole world. We stayed at our friend's house. These are friends that we hadn't seen in years. We caught up like it was old times and that alone is a gift and a treasure and if nothing else fun had happened that would have made the trip. And we took Bug to the Denver Zoo. Her first trip to the ZOO! I couldn't remember the last time that I had been to the zoo because I am not a zoo person so I wasn't really too excited about the outing but, as it turns out, zoos are pretty great when you experience them with your child. When you see it through your child's eyes.

December 2 Restaurant moment. Share the best restaurant experience you had this year. Who was there? What made it amazing? What taste stands out in your mind?

This has not been a good year for me and restaurants. In order to keep nursing Bug, I pretty much had to give up my former foodie lifestyle and eat bland for most of the year. I have since reintroduced fish, shellfish, dairy, some soy, and eggs but I am still not eating wheat (though I am eating spelt) or nuts. One thing that kept me going all year was knowing that I would go out for my birthday and have Grimaldi's pizza. And I did. My mom watched Bug for four hours which is the longest that I have gotten away since she was born and Big D and I went to Scottsdale to hang out for the afternoon. We found a great tea shop and had a latte at a funky coffee shop. This was foreplay. Foreplay for pizza. And it was ORGASMIC. Real pizza. Thin crust, sweet tomato sauce, fresh mozzarella and basil. We ordered a large. We ate the whole thing. Ah, it almost brought tears to my eyes. It was heaven and I chased that heaven with a cannoli. Can you hear the angels sing?

The Great Interview Experiment

2009-12-18T20:28:00.000-08:00

I participated in the Great Interview Experiment from Neil at www.citizenofthemonth.com

I interviewed Sincerely, Jenni

Here is a shining example of my mad interview skills....

Is there anything in your past that you regret or would go back and change if you could?
I wish more than anything that I would have stayed in college years ago. I only went for two semesters, and ended up dropping out because of some extenuating circumstances goin on in my life. Now that I am an adult, with 4 children, a husband, dogs, a cat, a house, a job, and the list goes on... I find going back to college much harder and much more time consuming! I racked up another years' worth of credits under my belt over the last couple years, but now have again taken a break from it. Maybe by the time I retire, I'll have my degree?

What would be your ideal last supper?
Since I love to eat, it would have to be a buffet! Steak, Kung Pao Shrimp, Shrimp Scampi, and Steak Fajitas would be a requirement. And Pepsi. Now look what you've done! I'm STARVING now!

Tell me someone you admire and why?
This will sound lame, but there are three people I admire most in my life. The first two are my parents, who are the most perfect examples of how it is to spend the rest of your life married to your best friend. They have known each other since high school, and have been married now for almost 38 years. They treat each other so well, and are completely devoted to each other. I try to emulate them in my own marriage, and often think of "What would Mom & Dad do?" in troubling situations.

The third person I admire most is my daughter, Caitlyn. She is 14 years old, and has the biggest heart of anyone I know. She is so very wise, and is a good friend to everyone. She has been a straight A student her whole life and is very intelligent. In addition to that, she excels at pretty much every sport and activity she gets involved in. I admire her strength, her knowledge, her dedication, and most of all, her heart.

What is at the top of your bucket list?
I want a honeymoon. When my husband and I got married, it was a second marriage for him. We had planned a big wedding since it would be my first, but I found out a few weeks into the planning process that I was pregnant. The ceremony and reception (and honeymoon) was cancelled, and we married a few weeks later at the county courthouse. It was a beautiful, quiet, romantic ceremony, but I never got my honeymoon.

Would you ever consider moving somewhere else? Where?
As much as I complain about Iowa winters and the hot humid summers, I can't say there is any place I would rather be. I have lived here my whole life, and I love the changing of the seasons. I enjoy having activities to do year-round, regardless of the weather. If we were forced to move, I maybe would opt to live somewhere warm-- Arizona, perhaps? I wouldn't mind giving up the winter snowstorms!

What is your proudest mothering moment? What is your least?
To be honest, every day is often filled with a little of both. My absolute proudest mothering moments come every time we have to go to school for parent/teacher conferences. My kids are doing excellent in school, have a lot of friends, and are involved in activities. They are well-rounded, clean-cut kids that just enjoy life. That makes me a very proud mom!

My least proudest moment... hmmm.. I suppose it would be the times my youngest daughter has to be home by herself. Not very often, and never for very long at a time, but being the drama queen that she is... she always makes the comment "Why can't you be a stay-home mom thats here when I get home from school every day?" *sigh* Way to make me feel like a bad mom, kiddo.

Are you satisfied with your life at present? What would you work on/change if you could?
I am very satisfied with my life. We have jobs, we have our bills paid, we have zero debt, and we are all healthy. I can't ask for anything more than that-- except that I'd like to be more organized. I let things get too cluttered up around the house and deal with it every few weeks in a massive cleaning out day, rather than avoid causing the clutter in the first place.

Yup, Another Sleep (Or Lack Thereof) Post

2009-12-16T20:22:00.000-08:00

I am posting my comment to Clueless but Hopeful Mama's Post about the sleep differences between her kids and about what a difficult aspect something as seemingly simple as sleep is in the world that is motherhood because as you know if you read my blog, it is a subject that is nearer and dearer to my heart than even poop, pee, spit-up, or snot. And also because my comment was so damn long (sorry CBHM) that I figure I might as well just use it as a post cause I am lazy like that...

I think you should do whatever works for your family. What bugs me is that people think because my baby doesn't sleep well by herself, that I am doing something wrong rather than considering that every kid is different. I have tried EVERYTHING and CIO, especially the kind where you check in, makes my daughter so upset that she stops breathing and is in a state of panic and when I finally get her to sleep she cries ALL NIGHT in her sleep. It is horrible. I wish I could put her down and she would cry for a while and go to sleep but she just does not do that. I know it shouldn't bother me what other people think, but it does.

I've also tried the No Cry Sleep Solution which does the exact opposite for us than it is supposed to do. I think time will be our tincture in this case. And that sucks but it is just how it is.

I really do think that all kids are different when it comes to sleep. Which makes sense because all adults I know are different too. I had a boss who could sit under her desk and take a nap and another who needed ambien every night to sleep. My husband needs to listen to talk radio to fall asleep but then sleeps like a dead horse but I can fall asleep on a dime yet wake up easliy throughout the night. Why should babies be any different?

Woman in the Mucus

2009-12-14T08:20:00.001-08:00

So humor me for a moment while I bore you with some Japanese New Wave Cinema references. See, I told you I went to film school once long, long ago. You didn't believe me, did you? Well, that's OK. It is sometimes hard for me to believe too now that I spend all day keeping a toddler from eating the dog food or choking on water bottle caps. But I did. And I happened to like the really boring esoteric stuff. I even made boring esoteric films. Yeah, I was one of those kind of art school nerds. But this is really getting off the subject.

I wanted to talk about what I've been thinking about a lot lately. The book/movie Woman in the Dunes. Have you read/seen it? Well, to Twittersynopsis it, it is about a woman who lives in these remote dunes and has to sweep the sand back every day all day to keep from being drowned in it. There is more to the story--an entomologist dude wondering the dunes finds her and hangs out there (or maybe she finds him? can't remember) and they fight and have sex. But that part isn't really what I am thinking about. I am thinking about the woman in the dunes sweeping up all day just to do it over again the next to keep from drowning in it. Lately, with Bug's seemingly constant colds, I consider myself The Woman in the Mucus. I carry a snot rag to wipe the slime away lest we drown in it. I keep a humidifier going. I boil water on the stove. I Little Noses her nostrils. I syringe out the goobers. Every day.

Motherhood is like that. Isn't it? You get to do the same things every single day. Some days are better than others. Some days you want to hide under the covers. Some days you zen out and do it. Some days you just love the routine and the surprises within the routine. Some days are tantrums and breakdowns. Other days are joy and breakthroughs. Or a little bit of everything. There is a basic routine each day and yet each day is so different from the next. It's the mothering paradox.

To use a more Western image, I suppose it would be to imagine Sisyphus happy. To imagine Sisyphus content as he rolls his boulder up the hill each and every day. In my current situation, it would be a large booger that I roll up the hill every day. Or maybe it is a giant ball of laundry? Or an enormous pile of dishes? What is yours? And can you imagine yourself happy? Or do you want to drop everything and run for the hills?

The Stuff On My Mind

2009-12-12T11:34:00.000-08:00

1. I need to live in the same state as my husband but California is too fucking expensive and the rental properties in areas where you don't get shot at are shitty in our price range.

2. Bug is 15 months and still naps in her swing. But her recent growth spurt is making it obvious that this is not going to work much longer and this makes me want to curl up in a fetal position and sob.

3. I just can't seem to get these Christmas cards addressed and in the mail and it is really haunting me.

4. I want sleep really badly and want to cry every time I think about it.

5. Breastfeeding is getting old.

6. Bug has ANOTHER COLD.

7. I want a beer.

8. I want to lose this last ten pounds but probably won't until after bfing ends. Like in ten years or so.

9. I turned 36 last week. How the hell did that happen?

10. I need sleep. Did I already say that? Yeah, I know, it is getting boring but it's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Potty Time

2009-12-08T21:03:00.000-08:00

For the last few weeks Bug has been doing this squat move after taking her evening bath. Sometimes, she'll squat and pee on the floor. So today I bought her a potty. I set it up in the bathroom and told her that it was for pee-pee. She seemed VERY excited about it and kept climbing on and off of it exclaiming, "PEE PEE". After her bath she ran over to it, sat down, and peed. Clearly proud of herself we clapped together, "YAY, PEE PEE". It was so cute. I don't think we are exactly at potty training yet because she is only two days shy of 15 months old but I guess she is moving in that direction and by the looks of it will be potty trained long before she is weaned.

Out of the Mouths of Babes.

2009-12-06T15:37:00.000-08:00

Ok, this one is for Existential Waitress, because she loves this story.

The year is 1973. The month, December. I have just been born (Yes, that is right. I am that old). My Dad takes my brother to see Santa because my mom is at home with me attached to her boob (seems Bug gets her boobaholicism from me). The Santa event is at the local shopping center. The one where all the uptight suburban moms take their kids. The kids of these moms dociliy wait in single file line while their moms fidget with their "do's" and chit-chat about wallpaper. Ah, the 70's. Good Times.

My dad does not fit in to this line. Not at all. My dad looks like a thug. My dad is NOT a thug but he looks like one because he is an undercover federal agent and it is the 70's so his hair is a long curly wigged out mass of black hot mess and he has a looong beard accompanied by a moustache. He wears dark shades, a pimped out leather jacket and badass boots. So, the stick-up-their-butt moms are already obviously uncomfortable with this dude in their pristine line. But my brother is excited. He is about two and a half. He loves trucks. LOVES trucks. And he is so excited to ask Santa for a fire engine. He wants it, wants it bad. So the line moves along and it is finally my brother's turn and he sits on Santa's lap and the conversation goes something like this:

Santa: What do you want for Christmas?
Brother: A red fire engine.
Santa: Well, if you are a good boy, you might get one.
Brother: But I want it now!
Santa: Oh no, you have to wait until Christmas.
Brother: FUCK OFF, Santa!!!

My father high-tailed it out of there, feeling the glares as he left like icey daggers in his back. I don't think my dad ever did Santa duty again.

Some Things Are Better Left for Teddy Bears, Bunnies, and Dinosaurs

2009-12-05T20:23:00.000-08:00

A while ago I wrote about trying to find a Plush Buddha for Bug. This is the only one I have found.

Doesn't he look like a pedaphile or at the very least a pervy swinger? Needless to say, we are sticking with our Buddha made of wood.

I am, however, getting Bug a Barney doll for Christmas. Say what you will about Barney. I have heard it all. But frankly, I don't care. Bug LOVES him and that is all that matters. I am not buying it for me. I am buying it for her.

If It Weren't For the Dogs I'd Never Get a Vacation

2009-12-04T13:46:00.000-08:00

I am admittedly a little annoyed that the only reason we are getting a vacation this winter is so that the dogs of the family can meet and play together. I've given up on my pleas of needing my daughter and myself at the top of the list (above the canines) and I've decided that at least I will get to buy the Buggie lots and lots of winter clothes. For those of you in cold climates, the idea of having to wrestle your child into a snowsuit probably makes you want to poke your eyes out or at the very least hide under the bed until the first signs of spring. But having lived for years where it NEVER SNOWS, snow vacations are right up there on the fun list. And the anticipation of getting to see Bug in these clothes is like waiting for Santa. I am SOOOOO excited.

Pass Me a Hankie

2009-12-02T12:37:00.000-08:00

There are decisions to be made, changes to come. But I am putting them off. I am taking out Christmas decorations and I am filling this space with joy. I am packing away the question marks in the boxes and leaving them out in the garage for a while. Christmas is coming.

The older I get, the mushier I get. In fact, I am a full on CHEESEBALL. I love this Christmas carol and I love me some Mary J. and this rendition brings tears to my eyes.

Hokey Pokey

2009-12-01T08:03:00.000-08:00

These photos were taken this morning. How did my kid get so big? In the last photo, she is doing the Hokey Pokey, part of our morning routine lately.

Where It's At

2009-11-30T12:35:00.000-08:00

Antibiotics make poop weird. Bug's poop has this weird candy/medicinal smell. It is runny, verging on diarrhea and is a little more frequent than usual. It has a darker slightly rusty red color to it. So yeah, this is TMI but it is what is on my mind these days. Today is the last day of 10 days on antibiotics and hopefully this ear infection has been killed. If I could kick and punch this infection and scream I HATE YOU at it I would. Bug has had two ear infections, two colds, and bronchiolitus in the last three months. It's sucky to say the least. I think she is on the mend. Excuse me while a pause to knock on wood. So now if these evil molars would just break through and leave us alone we would be all set and ready for Christmas.

Goodness

2009-11-29T20:55:00.000-08:00

This scarf. Yet another reason to love cooler weather.

Down

2009-11-28T15:56:00.000-08:00

So, I'm feeling a little down today. Feeling a little lonely. I think it is just post holiday weariness, gearing up for Christmas. I started putting up decorations today and that helped.

Happy Thanksgiving

2009-11-25T07:58:00.001-08:00

The relatives are coming,the relatives are coming...

Another Reason to Love Fall

2009-11-23T09:46:00.000-08:00

The black turtleneck. I love love love my black turtleneck. Audrey Hepburn, tall and graceful, I am not. If I were an object, I'd be a teapot, short and stout. But in my black turtleneck, I feel all is well or swell or wonderful.

Seriously, No Joke

2009-11-22T08:14:00.000-08:00

If I were to ever lose everything in the world that meant anything to me, I know exactly what I would do. I would become a vigilante and search out pedophiles and kill them. I would use every tactic I have learned on Forensic Files to locate them, stalk them, and kill them. I am not kidding, this is what I would do if I had nothing to lose.

Have you ever looked to see how many convicted pedophiles live amongst us? It is truly staggering. It makes me physically ill that someone could look at an innocent child and think about torturing them for their own sick pleasure and pathetic power. These people need to be extinguished. They need to be taken out of the gene pool. There is something wrong in their genetic code.

It boggles my mind that these sick pigs are let out of prison after minuscule sentences when all research shows that it is virtually impossible to rehabilitate a pedophile. If we were going to keep them in jail until they rot and die, then fine, I would not have to consider a life of crime. But our country is so horrifyingly ambivalent about crimes against children that it leads one to think that some alternative is needed. So, these are the options as I see it: keep these rodents locked up until death, let them out but cut of their penises, testicles, fingers, and pluck out their eyeballs, or find someone who is willing to killing them.
.
Of course, I have everything to live for so this is not an option for me at this point in my life but I really do wish people would start writing their officials for stiffer sentences for these evil animals.

Depression Era Fashion

2009-11-19T11:36:00.000-08:00

I think style right now must be influenced by the crappy economy and the dour state of every one's mood. I mean this is fall. The time for sexy secretary. Heels. Pencil Skirts. Sharp fitted jackets. But what is popular now? Leggings. Long Sweaters. Boots without heels. Dresses with pockets. I mean, it is a mother's dream wardrobe. Stuff that a few years ago might put you on the worst dressed list.

I am in fashion heaven and hell. I really can't believe that these outfits are totally acceptable right now and yet, how lucky am I that these outfits are totally in right now?

Quick Post Cause There is a Cranky 14 Month Old Pulling at My Pants

2009-11-18T06:32:00.000-08:00

Bug got the H1N1 Vaccine yesterday. Needs a booster in a month.

I can handle baby poop and spit up until the cows come home but cleaning up big dog throw up makes me vomit in my mouth.

I have covered my floor in puppy pads, put up a gate, and taken away food and limited evening water and STILL found a chihuahua pee on the floor this morning.

Bug has major sleep issues and her breathing sounds funky when she sleeps. Is it chronic cold, allergies, tonsils, more of her reflux? Anyone have a guess? Cause the doctors seem clueless. And I just want some damn sleep!

Photos

2009-11-13T13:28:00.000-08:00

Better Put

2009-11-09T20:39:00.000-08:00

Go on Ahead

You go on ahead, honey
You have a good time there
You make me feel funny
I'm no ordinary lover or friend

I believe we have things to do
I believe in myself and I believe in you
I believe when I sleep you are near to me
When you sleep I am near to you

You walk out of the room with your hands so deep in your pockets, I don't
Recognize you
You say you're a ghost in our house and I realize I do think I see through you

You go on ahead, honey
You have a good time there
You make me feel funny
I'm no ordinary lover or friend

It's a death in our love that has brought us here
It's a birth that has changed our lives
It's a place that I hope we'll be leaving soon
And I fear for the year in his eyes

And it goes around in circles: one night is lovely, the next is brutal
And you and I are in way over our heads with this one, it's hard
To admit it, but you hold me and I can't feel you
We hurt but we smile
I promise I'll make it back when the summer has warmed me awhile

You go on ahead, honey
You have a good time there
You make me feel funny
I'm no ordinary lover or friend

I believe we have things to do
I believe in myself and I believe in you
I believe when I sleep you are near to me
When you sleep I am near to you

Liz Phair

Credit (one more Halloween post)

2009-11-08T07:21:00.000-08:00

Bug was the cutest ladybug in all the land. And most of that is due to the fact that Bug is the cutest babe in all the land. But a significant part of the cuteness came from the costume that I bought on Etsy from Tutu Twirls. I love Etsy. Even though I am not exactly crafty, I appreciate those who are and I think Tutu Twirls has the prettiest tutus and most complete outfits amongst the many on Etsy selling tutus. Even the tags are adorable.

Thanks, Tutu Twirls!

I Made This Bed

2009-11-06T07:09:00.000-08:00

Many moons ago I gave up on the whole sleep training thing and decided that Bug and I would nurse and co-sleep for however long the arrangement worked. For the first few months of her life, Bug slept in a bassinet next to my bed. Her first month she would sleep a four to five hour stretch and then two two or three hour stretches and then up. This little routine began to degrade over her second month and by month three her night wakings were every 20-30 minutes. Needless to say, she began sleeping in my bed and it has been that way since. When we finally got her on the right reflux meds, she started sleeping in longer stretches--two hours. Woohoo!! It has been that way since. Every now and then she'll wow us with a three and rarely even a four hour stretch. Co-sleeping works for us because it diminishes stress and lets us all get some damn sleep.

Until this week. I am apparently severely allergic to the desert. I have started having these horrible coughing attacks which seem to come on just as I am nursing Bug down to sleep. Last night it was so bad that I had to put her down in her crib and leave the room and go downstairs and cough up my lungs. She screamed and screamed until I got back to her. I laid her down in my bed and nursed her back to sleep, sucking away on cough drops and praying to god to let me get her down to sleep before another coughing fit started. As soon as she was asleep, I ran downstairs and coughed my ass off again. Then I woke us both up at about 3:30 AM coughing. This seriously sucks.

A Whole New Way to Procrastinate

2009-11-05T11:50:00.001-08:00

I'd like to post but I am busy wasting time on the Dooce Community. Are cheese fries a bad lunch? Wait, I'll go ask the masses.

Getting Lost?

2009-11-03T09:27:00.001-08:00

I love holidays. Now that Bug is one, I am even more excited about them, introducing her to tradition, seeing everything through her eyes. It is joy, plain and simple.

I wrote this post two years ago. When I wrote it I didn't know I was about to be pregnant in like a second. My world was about to change. Everything was about to bubble over with meaning. It is hard to believe two years have passed. In some ways, it is even harder to believe only two years have past since I was that person. You hear a lot about keeping yourself, not getting "lost" in motherhood. This seems to be the current trend of thought in mothering. But I feel differently about change and transformation. Motherhood is transforming me into a person I want to be, a person I am proud of. I haven't lost myself. I am finding out who I am.

The House of Phlegm and other Halloween Tales

2009-11-02T09:33:00.000-08:00

Scary Halloween story--my house has been overtaken by mucus! Bug and I have been sick for about a week. We had to go to urgent care on Sunday morning. A cold and bronchiolitis for her and a cold and sinus infection for me but basically a whole lot of phlegm and not much sleep. We finally got some good meds and had more sleep last night than in weeks. Damn the naysayers, long live the Z-Pac!

In other Halloween tales, who is the cutest bug EVER?

She is, she is!

What I Know

2009-10-28T12:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a sad day. Yesterday I fought with Big D yet again. My parents had to put their dog down yesterday. Yesterday, Bugs's teeth were killing her and she had a stuffy nose and was grouchy. Yesterday we couldn't go outside to play because the winds were gusting so badly that the air was filled with dust and burned our eyes. Yesterday was not a good day.

I am sad for my parents and my sister and her husband. They loved that dog and he filled some sort of hole they have. Have I mentioned that my parents have this deep dark hole in their home? It has always been there. We picked it up and packed it and carried it with us from home to home in our billion moves we made when I was a kid. It came with us everywhere. We had to remember to walk around it, sometimes tip-toeing on it's slippery edge, every now and then sliding in. Sometimes, we'd reach up for help or scream in panic, "Hey, I was just sitting here with my lonely self watching TV, eating ice cream and somehow I got swallowed up in this damn dark hole. Help! I want out! Get me the hell out of here." Other times, we'd wallow in it's darkness. We snuggled into it's familiarity. Years have been spent in that damn hole. It takes up a lot of square footage, it does.

So pets, pets help. Pets keep them out of the hole. They drag them out. I felt a little bad that I was more relieved for the dog than sad because he was old and in pain and seemed like he had already died but didn't know how to pass. It was time. I feel sad for my family but I am happy for the dog. I think the winds picked up yesterday afternoon to gust him into doggie heaven.

Yesterday evening, my mom came back to my house with me after dinner to help me give Bug a bath. Her eyes puffy and red from crying all day, she said to me, her voice breaking, that "time just goes so fast, 15 years just gone". So there it is, the hole. The time passing. Death smacks us with life's shortness.

I keep thinking about that. I think about how we have no idea when death is coming. But when it comes, I know one thing for certain, there may be regrets in my life, staying too long at an unfulfilling job, worthless arguments, giving too much of myself without getting much in return, giving up to easily sometimes. But I know with absolute certainty that I won't regret being here with my daughter. Being here full time. All day every day. It is the best decision I have ever made and when the next 15 years pass she will be a teenager, getting close to going off to college. I will be so thankful that the person I am now made the difficult decision to stay home and be with her. When I am old and looking back over my life, the jobs, the finances, all that stuff will wash away and all I will have is the memory of my daughter's beautiful little face, her eyes looking to me. I will never regret letting myself be her world these first few years of life. That I know for certain.

Crush

2009-10-26T10:44:00.000-07:00

That's how I felt, crushed I was. I was in love. Heaven fell down on me and I was broken into billions of fragments of my former self. Love fell on me, heavy and strong and I was crushed. When I look at this photo I lose my breath. I can feel her tinyness curled up against me as if trying to get back in my tummy and remember me wishing I could put her back inside me and keep her safe forever.

Some Things That Annoy Me

2009-10-23T08:31:00.000-07:00

When the dog pees on the carpet alongside the puppy pad instead of ON the puppy pad. Is DUMBASS too strong?

Carpet. Never had these pee problems with wood floors.

When I put the laundry in the dryer and forget to turn the dryer on then go to the dryer to pull out the dry clothes only to find them still wet. I do this more than I care to admit.

Shitty dishwashers. I have to clean them before I put them in and then rinse them after I take them out. So this dishwasher is nothing more than a dish storage unit.

People who don't stay at home when sick. This pisses me off more than it annoys me, actually.

When I go grocery shopping and everything I need is not on the shelf. Is this the former soviet union? Stock your damn shelves.

When my computer freezes.

Things that fall apart right after you buy them.

wow, I could go on and on...

Looks Like Autumn

2009-10-19T09:22:00.000-07:00

Hell may be a Pumpkin Patch cause that's how hot it was yesterday. Looks like fall but looks can be deceiving because it felt like the middle of summer or more accurately like we stuffed our heads inside a 500 degree oven in a kitchen of a house on fire.

The Confessional

2009-10-17T11:41:00.000-07:00

1) I confess that I am a confirmed Catholic. Not much else to say about it other than yeah, I'm Catholic. So NOT a practicing Catholic but once you are confirmed you pretty much are for life.

2) I became a member of All Saints Church in Pasadena before Bug was born. This would probably surprise most people who know me because I don't really come off as the RELIGIOUS type. But I LOVE this church and it's mission. I love that it is inclusive and beautiful. It has just enough structure in its Episcopal service to not freak me out. Because the free form Christian churches that seem to have no structure to the service and may even ask a visitor to stand up in front of the congregation FREAK ME OUT. I like a church where you can be as anonymous as you want to be. But most of all I love how it is so liberal in it's mission. Even if you are an atheist you can love this church. And I am not kidding about that.

3) I stole a case of water from Super Target yesterday. I really needed to get that of my chest. I didn't mean to steal it. I was just rushing to get to the next store before Bug got grumpy for her afternoon nap. It had been on the bottom of the cart when I went through the line and I didn't notice and the checker didn't notice. I didn't notice until I got out to the car and went to put it in the back and realized that I am about 99% sure that I don't remember the cashier ringing it up. Whoops. Maybe I should have gone back in. But on the other hand, hell no. Did I mention that it is back up to 100 degrees here? And once out of the store and almost in the car there is NO WAY IN HELL that I was going back in the store. I suppose I could pay for it next time? Because we all know there will be a next time. I mean, it's Target. Don't we all sorta live there? To that end, I have to admit that I don't feel all that bad about it. A little guilty maybe (see confession #1. Guilt comes with the territory) but not really that bad.

4) I feel a twinge of happiness when I read other people having sleep issues with their kids. I also kind of like knowing that other people have had tough birth experiences. Or PPD. Or acne. Or even bad hair days. I hate to think of myself as a MISERY LOVES COMPANY kind a gal. But maybe I am? I think it has more to do with the fact that sometimes other people seem soo perfect. Their kids seem perfect. Their homes seem perfect. Their finances seem perfect. Their relationships seem perfect. Their lives SEEM PERFECT. So it is a bit of a comfort to me to know that even seemingly perfect people go through shit too. Does that make me a shitty person? Maybe. But I most definitely am NOT perfect. I do feel a little guilty about this because well, let me once again refer you to confession #1.

So, that's all my confessing for now. I feel better. Now I'll go say the rosary.

Anything you need to confess?

James and the Giant Peach

2009-10-15T13:02:00.001-07:00

The balloon boy's parents are disgusting FREAKS. However the scandal unfolds, the parents are culpable and I hope the state makes them pay one way or another.

Don't Eat Me

2009-10-13T11:30:00.001-07:00

The dogs are outside. Not by choice. By choice, they would be inside barking at the door. Outside, they are whining and crying to get back in. But it is nice out. I have put water and food out. And well, I just want them to stay out today. I don't even feel bad about it at all.

And yes, my window is that dirty. It's big dog slobber. Gross.

They are not coming inside until well after the baby is up from her nap. Mateo can cry. My will is strong today. Even if Josie gives me that face that looks like she wants to eat me.

Did I mention the poor baby is teething? Not just teething. She is getting four regular teeth and four Molars! She is miserable. And she had to get her flu shot booster. Cause babies have to get two flu shots just for fun. Yes, if there is a god, he hates babies. And probably mamas too.

Cold Turkey

2009-10-10T11:14:00.001-07:00

I went off the meds. Not really by choice but the scrip ran out and it was from my last OBGYN so I couldn't call and get it refilled with ease. So I'm off the junk. Actually, Zoloft was not junk. It was wonderful stuff. It took the edge off. It helped peel away the dark edges and let the light it. But I think it is time to see what life is like without it so even though I found out after going off of it that cold turkey isn't advisable, I am feeling good about giving it a whirl. I am now very familiar with the dark waves. I could spot them well beyond the horizon. Well before they take on height and depth. Well before they crash and I begin to choke on their relentless darkness. Well before I drown.

update: Holy shit, I'm dizzy.

The Good Part

2009-10-05T08:34:00.000-07:00

Here in the desert there comes a day every year when the air snaps. The unbearable unbreathable air snaps. The heat snaps. Cooler air breezes in. Fall arrives in a moment here. It happens every year. Yet somewhere in the middle of September when the temps are still easily over 100 degrees, maybe even over 110 (Though who is counting after 100? At that point HOT is just HOT.) you think you might go stir crazy or just CRAZY, period, end of story. Because you are STUCK inside from house to car to store and back. You can see outside. You can see the lifeless playgrounds and the grassy fields. But you are TRAPPED inside with the money sucking invention that makes this whole desert living experiment even possible, the A/C. But then that day comes and it all changes and everyone runs outside to PLAY and you remember that there is BEAUTY living here in the desert. It is like the first day of spring.

Magic Boobs

2009-09-29T09:46:00.000-07:00

Nola had her first ride in an airplane a couple weeks ago when we went to Colorado to visit family and friends. Now, Nola is the baby who does not like to sit still. She hates her car seat, her highchair, and will only sometimes tolerate the stroller. To say I was concerned about how she would handle the confinement of the airplane is an understatement. I did have a plan. I was going to try to nurse her to sleep when the plane started to take off. Well, we boarded the plane and Nola was very excited. She became the self appointed welcoming committee, saying hi to every passenger boarding. It was really cute but filled me with trepidation that she would be spending the rest of the flight walking up and down the aisle saying hi the entire flight. But I stayed calm let her play while the flight prepared for take-off and then pulled her to the boob at takeoff and yes, she fell asleep. She woke up a few times but latched on and nursed back to sleep. We did the same routine on the flight home. And it worked like a charm. It is times like these that I am glad I am still nursing. I felt triumphant like my boobs had magical mystical powers.

I keep this in mind when I am wishing my boobaholic daughter would enter rehab and come out a reformed milk drinker.

On the Positive Side

2009-09-28T15:31:00.000-07:00

Things I Like About Living Here...

1. Nola sees her Grammy (and Grandpa and Auntie and Uncle) nearly every day.
2. The sky
3. The saguaro cactus
4. The farms
5. Horses
6. Easy traffic
7. Quiet neighborhood
8. No tagging

A Walk in the Park

2009-09-24T09:58:00.000-07:00

Shlump a Dump

2009-09-23T13:46:00.000-07:00

That's how I feel. Shlumpy. And dumpy. And it doesn't help that I spent the weekend with tall thin people who know how to put outfits together. I am really not liking the way my body is right now. My hair? Eh, not so much. My skin has suddenly started breaking out like crazy. A 35 year old pizza face is not cool. I don't know what to wear. I am just kinda sucking right now.

A Year Of Firsts

2009-09-11T07:45:00.000-07:00

She's ONE!

PHOTO TAG

2009-09-02T09:32:00.001-07:00

I've been tagged by Existential Waitress to do a picture tag! Here it goes:Simple Rules:-Open your first photo folder (I took this to mean oldest digital pictures folder).-Scroll down to the 10th photo.-Post that photo and story on your blog.-Tag five others (or more) friends to do the same.

This has taken me a while. But I did it. And that is what counts. Right? Right. This was difficult because with all the computer hopping I have done in recent years, I don't really have any digital photo files. Really, I can't believe I used to be an editor and entrusted to teach kids how to use hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of computer equipment. It really boggles the mind. Anyway, I was kind of at a loss and then one day Nola decided to throw all the CD's out of our CD tower and VOILA! I found a disc of photos. I had no idea what was on it but when I opened it I found it held some of the files from the trip that Dylan and I took to New Orleans for our fifth anniversary.

We stayed at the Soniat House which is a magically scrumptious boutique hotel at a quiet edge of the French Quarter. The photo above is from the courtyard entrance. Don't you want to go and spend the afternoon in that lusciousness? I do.

We were having a really great time even though we look kind of worn out. Dylan always grows a beard on a vaca--a little annoying when you are trying to get a decent pic. And the humidity does wonders for my skin and hair. But aside from our rather scraggliness it was a 10 as far as quick trips go.

This year we will celebrate our 10 year anniversary. It is hard to believe that 5 years have past and so much has changed i.e. Nola. By the way, when we were considering Nola for her name, the fact that NOLA is an acronym for New Orleans, Louisiana, put it over the top for us because that is how much we loved it there.

So here are the tagged. I have a hard time asking people to do things like this. This is a trait that comes from my father. He never wants to an impose an invitation on anyone and always assumes everyone else is busy. That said, I am tagging people who probably won't do it but if they do it will be interesting and well-written. And I am including Existential Waitress because isn't that what you do with a tag?

Les Confessions Doux-Amers de une Trentaine

A Brief History of The Rise And Fall Of Ten Minutes Ago

Noir Bettie

Purly Victorious

Existential Waitress

A Few Things I Don't Miss

2009-08-26T13:09:00.000-07:00

Traffic--People here talk about the rush hour. I nod. But in my head I am laughing, oh you silly children, you don't know traffic. In Los Angeles, rush hour lasts all day. Around 11:15 AM, you can usually get through town with relative ease after the morning rush, but within a half hour, the afternoon rush starts and melds into the evening rush. From about 11:00 PM to 4:00 AM it is usually smooth sailing, but even then you can find yourself in some unexplainable gridlock. I commuted in this for years. And it aged me.

Smog--I don't need to explain this one. The smog in Los Angeles is infamous. There is a line in this song, one of my favorite songs about Los Angeles, that I think of every time I think of the smog. It varies from season to season. It makes me laugh because it is such a realistic conversation that might be had in the city.

Tagging--The idiotic signs and symbols that little thugs scrawl all over the fucking place. Every goddamn street sign, wall, curb, overhang, tree, in Los Angeles has some stupid little scribble on it. It is so stupid. I don't even mind graffiti. Graffiti, with it's colors and swirls, it's cartoon-like representations and it's text, can be beautiful and exemplify urban art. But tagging is just hideous. I really, really hate it. Have I made that clear?

I Didn't Know I Was...

2009-08-25T10:12:00.000-07:00

No, I am not pregnant. But do you watch that show on TLC, I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant? I mean, there are actually enough women that this has happened to that there is plenty material for a whole show. And it's not, I didn't know I was pregnant until I was five months along, or I didn't know I was pregnant until I started puking three times a day at work and needing to pee constantly. No, these stories are about real women who don't know they are pregnant until they are in labor. Let me clarify that. Actually, they go into labor but still don't know they are pregnant. They go to the hospital because they think they are dying where the doctors ask if they could be pregnant, and these dilated contracting women protest, "no, no that's impossible" but no no it is not impossible these women are pregnant and within in minutes, give birth. Sometimes they don't even make it to the hospital. After incredible pain, they feel the need to push out a giant poop so they go to the toilet sit down and push and out it comes. Except wait, that is not a poop it's a BABY! OH HOLY HELL!

And a lot of the women seem totally normal. OK, quite a few seem like drunken skanky dumbasses or really really obese women with a host of medical problems which keep them from having normal periods. But many of them seem just like ordinary overworked moms who contribute all their symptoms, back pain, exhaustion, etc., to the stresses of their lives. After watching the show I have this intense urge to run out to the pharmacy and buy up a bunch of pee sticks. But I am a rational person and so I resist the urge. There is no way I am pregnant. Or could I be? Due to breastfeeding, I haven't had a period in closing in on two years. Would I know the difference between exhaustion from lack of sleep and chasing after superbaby all day and pregnancy exhaustion? Would I contribute morning sickness to not paying attention to my diet? Could I be so out of touch with my body that I miss the signs that there is another human being living inside me? I hope not. I like to think that I know myself and my body well and that I wouldn't have ignored myself so much that I overlook something as momentous as pregnancy. But who knows. Who am I to judge? I guess it could happen. Anything is possible. But seriously, I am so NOT pregnant.

My Daughter, Rock Thrower

2009-08-22T10:47:00.000-07:00

If rock throwing was an Olympic sport, Nola would win the Gold.

She would.

She's a champion.

What Happened to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness?

2009-08-17T16:33:00.000-07:00

There is no pretty or poetic way to put this. Our finances suck. We are teetering on the edge of a financial abyss and we are not sure where the bottom is. And it SUCKS. Is it my fault because I "chose" to stay home with Nola? And I put "choose" in parenthesis because it wasn't really a choice as much as a necessity and the right thing for all of us but most importantly, the right thing for Nola. The fact is, I don't think I am to blame or should be blamed or should feel guilty (even though guilt certainly creeps into my head and heart often) because I know I made the right decision to stay at home with my child. She is happy and healthy and thriving and I don't think she would be the same child if she was away from me twelve hours a day and often more than that. My job was so far away from home. I just couldn't be that far from her. To me, it would have been irresponsible and cruel.

But I can't help being angry. We were the couple that did all the right things. I worked a job that wasn't "me" but it was stable and provided over half our income. We invested wisely. Paid our monumental student loans on time. Paid off credit card debt. Waited to have kids. Where did it get us? If I have any regrets, it is wasting all that time doing "the right things" when it didn't matter anyway. I wasted so many years in a job that took a little of my soul every day and driving a commute that I am pretty certain took years off my life. And all for naught. It is so demoralizing.

That said, I don't think I would change anything. Our successes and failures, our decisions good and bad, led us to Nola.

The Degradation of Conversation

2009-08-12T12:42:00.000-07:00

A few statements that have come out of my mouth today.

Get out of her butt. --Said to the chihuahua Mateo who had his nose all up in Josie's (the mutt) business.

No, we don't eat dog food. --Said to Nola who has developed a fascination with the dog bowls. Hence, the next statement--

No, don't put your hand in there. It's yucky. --Said to Nola when she stuck her hand in the dog's water bowl.

Shoes don't go in the toilet. They go on your feet. --Said to Nola when she threw her shoe (fortunately an old shoe that no longer fits) into the toilet BEFORE I flushed it.

So, that is a snippet of my glamorous life.

Some More Los Angeles That I Miss

2009-08-06T13:48:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Bowl
LA Opera
MOCA
Walt Disney Concert Hall - LA Phil
All Saints Church

Object Permanence Sucks

2009-07-29T14:55:00.000-07:00

Nola has always been a little ahead of the curve, but the terrible two's at 10 months? Nola wants everything she sees and when/if she doesn't get it she has begun screaming following by whining to full on crying approaching TANTRUM status--falling to the ground, fists clenched, arms flailing.

And her memory is sharp. Distraction? Not for Nola. I had a Buddha statue atop my dresser. He is made of wood, heavy and holding a bowl with a sharp non baby friendly edge. When she noticed it a couple months ago, she began her "eh eh" hand waving in its direction. Buddha? You want Buddha? And I brought it down for her and showed her how to rub his wonderfully fat belly though she preferred to rub his head. From then on, it was "Ba Ba" when she saw him. Then she hit her head on his hard wooden head while trying to give him a kiss and got an wicked bruise on her forehead so it was bye bye Buddha. But she still knows that he is supposed to be there perched atop my dresser.

Yup, object permanence sucks. The Wet Ones wrapper I left on the table? She wants it. My cup of coffee? She wants it. The junk mail? She wants it. And won't forget about it. This has left me in a parenting quandary between safety and satisfaction. If I am watching would it be so bad for her to play around with the nursing pads? I mean, I know it says choking hazard and YOUR CHILD WILL DIE IF SHE TOUCHES THIS BOX right there on the package. But seriously, I AM RIGHT THERE WITH HER. And it satisfies her for the moment and so what? Am I screwing myself? Probably.

By the way, I am in the market for a more baby-friendly Buddha. Any thoughts?

When to Wean

2009-07-24T13:30:00.000-07:00

If it were up to me, I'd choose 12 months. That's right. Nola would blow out her one year old birthday candle, eat a piece of gooey happiness from her ladybug birthday cake, and then swig down her first glass of whole organic milk and decide boobs were for babies--and you know how Nola hates being a baby.

But breastfeeding isn't just about food. It is a relationship and like any other it has its ups and downs. Nola and I started our breastfeeding relationship in the delivery room when she latched on like a pro and nursed until she fell asleep. It was a blissful beginning followed by a lot of drama. There was the thrush misdiagnosis which caused a full month of utter hell. There was also my oversupply issues followed by suspected food allergies which led me to eating a diet free of all eight common allergic foods.

And I am ready to eat cheese again. I had a dream a few nights ago that I was using a huge hunk of cheddar cheese as an edible utensil, dipping it into various food items and scarfing it down. I know, in the light of day this is vomit inducing but in the dream (and for a few seconds after I woke up) it was pure dairy heaven.

But breastfeeding is also about comfort and love and connection. It is also the easiest baby calmer tool given to mothers. Baby bumped her head? Whip out the boob. Baby not feeling good? Whip out the boob. Baby need to sleep? Yup, that's right, whip out the boob. Would I even know how to parent without breastfeeding? Could I comfort her in other ways? Is she ready for that? This is a relationship and two people are involved so even though I am beyond ready to have my body back to myself, I don't know when Nola will be.

Back in the Saddle

2009-07-20T14:00:00.000-07:00

So, writing a blog has been a little tricky lately, being computerless and all. Yes, one of the many byproducts of quitting my job was having to give back the mac laptop. But I have a new computer now! Actually it is my husband's old computer and he got another computer from his boss. No, it is not a mac. But it was free and beggars really can't be choosers.

In Awe

2009-07-04T15:09:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I developed the photos from one of the two cameras we have. Over 400 photos of Nola. My beautiful baby girl. The photos of her just born. The one my mom snapped of her that she wasn't supposed to. I am so glad she did. Just born. Brand new. And yet she was already there. Why should I be surprised by her activity level? By the fact that she never stops moving? She would shift inside my belly all day long. My belly noticeably taking on strange shapes and curves throughout the day. She was having fun. She was swimming and playing and moving at will. Her inability to move after birth surprised and frustrated her. Nursing was her only comfort in this world. She still LOVES to nurse. And she is now WALKING. My not even ten month old baby is walking. I am so happy for her. She has wanted to walk since she was born and now her muscles are finally capable of carrying her through this world. I am so happy and so sad. And so proud. And most of all, humbled by the experience of motherhood. By the experience of being Nola's mother.

A Few Things I Miss About Los Angeles

2009-06-27T09:10:00.000-07:00

The Getty Center
Venice Beach
Veggie Burger at The Counter
Eagle Rock
Paru's
The York
Liberals

In the Clear for Now

2009-06-06T09:51:00.000-07:00

The results came back normal. I have a huge nasty oozing wound in my butt cheek but it is a cancer free nasty oozing wound!

Where The Sun Don't Shine

2009-05-21T10:37:00.000-07:00

Back in November, I went to the doctor because I was still having issues down under from giving birth. During the examination she noticed a couple of freckles on my inner butt cheek and referred me to a dermatologist. Well, between Nola's tummy issues and the move, it took me until this week to get to the doctor. After seeing it, she scheduled me for a biopsy. Am I a little worried about this suspicious freckle? Me? Worry? Um, yeah. In fact, FREAKED OUT is more like it. But I have to wait two weeks to get the biopsy and another week for the results so I am trying not to fixate on it.

Closer to a Year Than Just Born

2009-05-09T12:56:00.000-07:00

Nola is eight months old tomorrow. She is constant motion. I thought her goal was to walk. I am wrong. Her goal is to run. She is a giggling, screaming, crawling, babbling, standing, peek-a-boo playing ball of energy. She is so busy. She is consumed with life. She is everything bright and beautiful. She is my favorite person. My brother-in-law hypothesized that as soon as she learns to run she'll realize that what she really wants to do is fly. I think he may be right.

Tummy Time

2009-05-06T16:55:00.000-07:00

This is my muffin top.

I don't think these pictures quite do it justice but it is the biggest tummy I have ever had.

aside from when I was pregnant.

Good Thing I'm on Zoloft

2009-04-29T09:04:00.000-07:00

I had been thinking lately of getting off my crazy drugs because I feel like my body has stabilized and therefore my hormones aren't making my brain a sea of anxiety. Even with the state of the economy, the fact that our environment is seriously fucked, the reality of making a huge move which includes being away from Dylan most of the week, and having recently found a scorpion in the garage, I have been feeling pretty balanced.

But then came the swine flu. Fuck. A 23 month old died. The president is telling schools to close if they suspect cases. And all I can say is thank god for Zoloft because without it I might be huddled in a corner holding Nola praying the rosary.

Before/After

2009-04-28T10:50:00.000-07:00

I wasn't kidding when I said my roots were SCARY. I finally got my hair done a couple weeks ago. I hadn't had my hair done since before Nola was born. As god is my witness, I will never go this long again. This is a promise I am keeping to myself. After two weeks, I am still thanking heaven every time I pass a mirror. I have my next appointment scheduled.

Before:

After:

Now I have to work on those eyebrows.

Crawling is for Babies

2009-04-20T12:27:00.000-07:00

Nola has never really liked being a baby. She was squirmy from the moment she was born. She is also not content with "baby steps" in her development. Rolling over? No big deal. Sitting up? Whatever. Crawling? Not when I can stand. She desperately wants to walk. It consumes her all day. And she is sooo frustrated. I want her to walk so badly because I know it will make her happy. But I can't tell you how many times throughout the day I wish she would just be content to let me hold her on my lap and snuggle.

Happiness is...

2009-04-17T14:46:00.000-07:00

It pains me to know that there are so many ignorant Americans. Maybe it is because we don't put enough money into our schools. Higher taxation is linked to happiness as is evidenced by countries such as Denmark which have high taxation but are also the most content people on earth. The wealthy 1% in the country use the ignorant conservative right wingers to line their pockets. These racist pigs are nothing more than pawns:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/04/16/10-most-offensive-tea-par_n_187554.html

Happiness doesn't come from low taxes nor does freedom.

http://abcnews.go.com/2020/story?id=4086092&page=1

Is that a bunny in my backyard?

2009-04-10T13:21:00.000-07:00

There are cows here. Like a whole bunch of 'em. And horses. And hay.

The Sleepless Wonder

2009-04-07T09:51:00.000-07:00

My nickname for Nola is sleepless wonder. Actually, that is not totally accurate because she does sleep. She naps. However, the naps are in her swing. She is almost seven months and I know I am not going to be able to let her do that much longer. She does sleep at night but wakes up every two hours for a little boob then right back to sleep. So in reality, I am the sleepless wonder. I haven't sleep for more than two hours straight since she was about two months old. When she was a newborn she slept longer but then got into the habit of using the boob at her little awakenings to go back to sleep. I really don't know how to break the habit. I just keep hoping that one day she'll sleep a little longer between awakenings. I know this is wishful thinking. I've tried all advice aside from CIO but Nola has a mind of her own and is going to do things her way. I like this about her but damn I need some sleep.

The Dark Ages

2009-04-05T10:58:00.000-07:00

My anger for how much Bush fucked this world up is growing rather than diminishing. I really hate him for what he has done. Right now I am hating him for eight years of time wasted on stem cell research. Eight years gone. Eight years gone from people waiting for cures. Eight years of research stolen from my sister with MS. When she was diagnosed about twenty years ago, all the doctors said a cure was around the corner and then Bush happened and we ended up in the dark ages. Every year wasted is more degeneration. There are so many lives that have been negatively impacted by that evil administration. I don't hate often but I hate Bush.

My Life in the Witness Protection Program

2009-04-02T10:26:00.000-07:00

When I finally made the decision that there was no way I could go back to my job, Dylan and I had to come up with a plan fast. There was no way we could stay in the house and make ends meet financially on one income. Los Angeles is a pricey place and for most a two income kinda city. So, we decided to rent out the house in Los Angeles and I am living in AZ near my family and Dylan is commuting from Los Angeles. Our expenses have been cut in half as was our income. We are going to do this for a year and then see how it goes from there. Even though Los Angeles is the center of the universe for me, I am loving being back in the desert. I forgot what quiet sounded like.

Perfection

2009-03-09T13:35:00.000-07:00

absent

2009-03-07T16:02:00.000-08:00

It has been so long since I have blogged. This is primarily because I have a very active almost six month old who never sleeps. It is also because so much is going on I don't know where to begin.

Here is a little tidbit though---Nola Jane is getting her first tooth!

Also, I quit my job.

Joy

2009-01-31T10:11:00.000-08:00

Obama

2009-01-21T09:17:00.000-08:00

OBAMA!!!!!!!!! Oh happy day.

Existential Waitress

2008-11-29T08:05:00.000-08:00

YAY! K has a blog...

http://existentialwaitress.blogspot.com/

Thanks and Giving

2008-11-27T12:04:00.000-08:00

www.stjude.org

I Hate Being a Baby Face

2008-11-25T13:43:00.000-08:00

FUCK!!! Part Two

2008-11-20T17:50:00.000-08:00

So, after a general urinalysis ordered from my GP showed I had a UTI and she wanted to put me on an antibiotic, I barged into my OB/Gyn's office demanding a culture. They of course thought I was a nutjob but did the culture and it showed negative. So, no UTI or should I say no UTI????

Also, the general concensus for my thrush situation is best summed up by the GI specialist we saw today who said, "I'm not convinced that is thrush." Holy hell. And her pediatrician is kind of like well, it'll go away on it's own. And my ob/gyn and GP don't think it's thrush. So, WTF????? Why can't someone say yes or no? I hate doctors.

FUCK!!!!

2008-11-19T08:00:00.000-08:00

I think I might have a bladder infection. Which means antibiotics which leads to yeast. I'm in hell.

Yes Means No

2008-11-15T09:54:00.000-08:00

I am still having trouble digesting this Prop 8 decision in California. Maybe I am in denial but I really think people thought they were voting "yes" for upholding gay marriage and voted incorrectly. So, by mistake, Prop 8 passed. I therefore think it needs to be tabled. Am I delusional? Well, it's quite possible. I am stuck at home most days nursing and fighting thrush.